Time for a special drive down Pun Alley

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By Dick Frank

The sad state of the automotive industry continues to make news. While cars are not being sold, their manufacturers are. Chrysler now belongs to Fiat, GM was on the sales block to escape bankruptcy, and local dealerships have changed. Automotive stories abound ,making it time to take a drive down Pun Alley.

General Comments

In an effort to save money on all the GM signs, vehicle labels, and even company stationary, General Motors may just be renamed Government Motors.

Before they went broke, GM announced they were getting great financial returns from some guy named Madoff.

Running out of money by the automotive manufacturers wasn’t exactly unexpected. I mean, all those times a car salesman told you he was losing money on the deal, he wasn’t lying.

Ford Motors executives recently scrambled for answers in the wake of record low car sales. Last year the Ford chairman was awarded six million dollars in Ford company stock. He could sue the company for paying less than the minimum wage.

General Motors fell to its lowest level since 1950, not a good sign. In fact, in terms of carmakers, General Motors is now third behind Tonka and Hot Wheels.

The difference between the auto industry’s downturn and the financial industry’s is that in the financial industry, airbags caused the crash.

Cool It

Four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max invented the first automobile air conditioner. In 1946 they demonstrated it to Henry Ford who was very enthused about putting it into all his cars. He immediately offered them $4 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted recognition by having a label, “The Goldberg Air Conditioner,” on the dashboard of each car.

There was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on all the Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $3 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, to this day, all Ford air conditioners show LO, NORM, HI, and MAX on the controls.

Speedy Return

A police officer attempted to stop a car for speeding and the driver gradually increased his speed until he hit 100 mph. He eventually realized he couldn’t escape and finally pulled over.

The cop approached the car and said, “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”

The guy thought for a few seconds and then replied, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

Short Drives

John said some inappropriate words when he was looking at a used car. It was a cursory inspection.

The first automobile commercial was set to music. It was the first car tune.

An 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going.

After he hailed the taxi, it had a number of small rounded dents in the yellow painted metal.

His girlfriend wanted him to slow down the car, but he put his foot down.

The state of Alaska averages 230 moose-automobile collisions a year, almost twice that of Elks, Lions and Knights of Columbus combined.

Won’t Hear Of It

I was shopping around for a car, and one salesman said, “You look like the kind of guy who’d want the AM/FM radio with removable face plate, the trunk-mounted CD player, with 8 speakers and remote control.” I hate being stereotyped.

Stringing Her Along

A movie producer was telling a friend about giving his actress girlfriend a string of pearls for her birthday. “Why,” said the friend, “don’t you give her something practical like an automobile?”

The producer smiled and replied, “Did you ever hear of a phony automobile?”

Learning Fast

Paul saw an advertisement for a Driving School that claimed it could teach anyone to drive a car in ten minutes. He phoned the school and asked, “How can you possibly teach anyone to drive in only ten minutes?”

The Driving School receptionist replied, “Of course, it’s a crash course.”

Dick and his wife Jane live and drive around in Oak Run.