Stars were stale but one-liners weren’t

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By Dick Frank

Hollywood Squares was a television comedy and game show in which two contestants played tic-tac-toe to win prizes. The board for the game was a 3- by 3-ft. vertical stack of open-faced cubes, each occupied by an entertainer seated at a desk and facing the contestants. The stars were asked questions and the contestants judged the authenticity of their answers in order to win the game.

Although it was a legitimate game show, the game largely served as the background for the show’s comedy in the form of the zingers or punny answers, often stated by the stars prior to their “real” answer.

Thanks go to Jim Flynn of Oak Run for sending in the following great questions and answers typical of the show’s heyday from 1965 to 1981.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. Why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: The pin boy.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Back in the old days, when great-grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. In a survey of teenage mothers, most of them said they were listening to this when they got pregnant. What is it?

A. Paul Lynde: A pack of lies.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas?

A. Paul Lynde: Yes. We call them winos.

Q. True or false, experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.

A. George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of ‘em.

Q. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?

A. Paul Lynde: No. You should dress warmly.

Q. According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?

A. Redd Foxx: I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Q. Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?

A. Paul Lynde: Yes, but it still won’t go up to your apartment.

Q. Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?

A. Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q. Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?

A. Paul Lynde: I don’t know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Q. One third of all ice cream sold in the United States is?”

A. Louie Anderson: “In my freezer.”

Q. According to Amy Vanderbilt, what is the maximum length of time you and your fiancé should be engaged?

A. Rose Marie: Engaged in what?

Q. Eddie Fisher said, “I am sorry. I am sorry for them both.” Whom was he referring to?

A. Paul Lynde: His fans.

Q. According to “Cosmo,” will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?

A. Rose Marie: Gosh, I did that once and his wife caught us.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run and trust that you enjoyed this column’s old-time humor. Send you puns and jokes to dickjfrank@yahoo.com or to the Citizen via snail mail.