Set sail for Pun Island - matey

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By Dick Frank

On my way to Pun Alley I got shanghaied and wound up in Tampa several days before their Jan. 26 Gasparilla pirate fest. An invasion by a fully-rigged pirate ship, with cannons booming, will force the city to surrender and start festivities that culminate with a pirate parade.

I managed to tuck the column into a tiny rum cask, commandeer a carrier parrot and send him winging his way back to the Corridor with tales of punny pirates.

Paper Pirate

One of the first pirates I met was wearing a paper towel on his head. I asked, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”

“Arrr...” he replied, “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

Pirated Stories

I saw another pirate with a banana on his head. It seems he couldn’t spell bandana.

A small pirate ship is called a thug boat.

A pirate was drafted into the NBA because he had an awesome hook.

Pirates keep parrots on their shoulder by using Polly-grip.

What I can’t understand is how pirates get scurvy if they are always on the Hi-C’s.

The pirates’ favorite kind of cookie is Ships Ahoy.

A pirate’s parrot fell in love with a duck. The parrot kept lamenting, “Polly wants a quacker.”

There were pirates from India. They call their flag the Jolly Raja.

A pirate crossed an owl with a billy goat and got a hootin’ nanny.

Pirates have comfortable feet because of their booty.

The pirate who lived high on the hog wound up in the pen.

One pirate wrote his wooden leg into his will as a leg-acy.

Pirates bury attorneys 10 feet under because deep down lawyers are really good people.

Pirates catch their fish by the tale.

Pirates make sure that no one steals their bagel by putting lox on it.

Is a dry parrot polyunsaturated?

Pirates get their ears pierced for a buccaneer.

Aye, yi, yi

The captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for “si,” and twice for “no.” After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English.

The first mutt thereby became the world’s first “si” and “aye” dog.

Price of Immortality

A visitor to a small private Tampa campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall and said, “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.”

“Actually,” said the guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

“Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?” the visitor asked.

“Yes, indeed. He wrote the check.”

Too Late Wise

An angel suddenly appeared at a faculty meeting and told the dean of a college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he would be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating the dean said, “Wisdom.”

“Done!” the angel said and disappeared in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turned toward the dean and one of his colleagues whispered, “Say something wise.”

The dean looked at them and said, “I should have taken the money.”

Doesn’t Look Good

A woman walked into a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. “What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way,” she fumed.

Flower Power

While driving to Gasparilla, this fellow from eastern Kentucky had a flat tire. He stopped his car, walked up a hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and then put one flower bouquet in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait for a service vehicle.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he stopped and asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I have a flat tarr.”

The puzzled passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers”?

The man responded, “When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Hopefully, when the pirate festival is over, they’ll let me come back home to Pun Alley for next week’s column, and to return to Oak Run where my wife, Jane, and I live. Send your puns and jokes to dickjfrank@yahoo.com or to the Citizen via snail mail.