Punny things happen in church

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By Dick Frank

The marathon holiday season starts with getting stuffed at Thanksgiving, continues with buying presents and decorating which culminates with Christmas, then ends with the New Year’s celebration. With the holidays now over, our waistlines are bulging, not our wallets, and our lives have returned to “normal.”

Pleasant memories linger on of parties, celebrations, and attending church or temple. By now we have returned those gifts that don’t fit or are the wrong color and have stored the things we will “re-gift.”

Ron Johnson of Oak Run stuffed some goodies down the chimney in the Alley and we’re going to “re-gag” them. You may need a good laugh when the holiday bills arrive.

Collective Bargaining

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boy said, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”

The second boy said, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.”

The third boy said, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

Groom Doom

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

Brotherly Love

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5- and 6-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Not a Dead Giveaway

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

Broken Too Often

John Daily, another Oak Run resident, sent in the following gems.

Just before Christmas a lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. The postal clerk asked, “Is there anything breakable in here?”

“Only the Ten Commandments.” the woman answered.

Not Too Late

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before the long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip. “

The minister replied, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

Good Covering

One Sunday after church, a mom asked her young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the mom was so perplexed she telephoned the Sunday school teacher and asked him what the lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”


The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money for repairs to the church building. He had selected all the songs to play except for one. He said to the organist, “You’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “We are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

Prodigal Son

A father’s small son told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”

The father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, daddy.” the young boy replied excitedly. “It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.”

Both e-mail and the snail-mail boxes are always open for your puns, jokes, and funny stories. Send them to dickjfrank@yahoo.com or to the Citizen. Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.