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Pun Alley: Humor all around

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By Dick Frank

Recently I received an email with actual pictures of newspaper bloopers.

For a long time I believed that comedy writers wrote all the bloopers. So, I found a number of real bloopers and puns from newspapers, road signs, radio and TV, along with some others I could not resist.

Newspaper

headline gems

From Sacramento: State population to double by 2040; babies to blame

A 1999 title: Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Homicide victims rarely talk to police.

Residents warmed to protect fish and hens to avoid Otter Devastation

Students cook & serve grandparents

One in for kids drops out of high school (you may have to reread this one).

Big rig carrying fruit crashes on Freeway, creates jam

From 2011: Two schools loose four star ranking

Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement

Bugs flying around are flying bugs

The Toronto Star: marijuana issue sent to a joint committee

Boston Sunday Globe in reference to tunnel: Worries about lights were kept in the dark

Our own Star Banner

1/13/18: Nursing homes swamped governor’s phone after Irma.

1/21/18: “Winter films pack some heat” under a picture of Chadwick Boseman looking at a fire.

3/23/18: At school, drone rules no longer up in the air.

3/23/18: Pulling strings famous puppeteer helps Meals on Wheels

Signs

Years ago the Durham N.C. Sun reported that a resident had been brought in traffic court for having parked his car on a street in front of a sign that read “No Stoping.” Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the law. Brandishing a Webster’s dictionary, he noted that stoping means, “extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground.”

“Your Honor,” said the man, “I am a law-abiding citizen, and I didn’t extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed.” Acknowledging that the defendant hadn’t done any illegal mining, the judge declared the man not guilty. “No Stoping” is a blunderful example of the suspect signs. Here are some examples to consider:

Speed bumps ahead, - when children are present

Surgery parking only – 5 minute limit

Shedd Cemetery Dr. – dead end

Correctional facility area – do not pick up hitchhikers

Eat here and get gas (at a restaurant-gas station I saw in New Hampshire years ago.)

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy.

Gaffes from

newspapers

The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50.

Army vehicle disappears: An Australian army vehicle worth $7,400 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

This coming Sunday evening, the President and his wife will deliver a joint television address on the subject of drug abuse.

The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as the dead man was crossing the intersection.

Mr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on “Destructive Pests.” A large number were present.

The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

He called on the Kentucky legislature to clarify the state abortion statute to define whether it applied to pregnant women.

Church bloopers

In searching my sources for church bloopers I find the same ones are in all the comedy books and Internet sources, leading me to believe that comedy writers produce them; but they are funny so some are included here:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The women included their husbands and children in their potluck suppers.

Humor everywhere

The monthly newsletter from a local bank is entitled, “Notes of Interest.” Recently a science TV program described a huge tunnel-boring machine as using cutting-edge technology. A radio advertisement for a local nursery, “The blooming place has been in business since 1982.”

I recently bought a bottle of “Eye Vitamin & Mineral Supplement” using a $2.00 discount coupon. The coupon had an expiration date of 6/1/2020. If you don’t see the humor in this, you don’t have 2020 vision.

Keep your eyes and ears open! You will find things everywhere that will bring laughs and a smile to your face.