Pun Alley 8-24-2012

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School days are the rule

By Dick Frank

School days, school days, good, old Golden Rule days. They started last Monday. Kids, with their backpacks and lunches, are on those big yellow vehicles. It’s important for everyone to watch out for these buses stopping and starting, as well as for children walking along roads and crossing streets.
High school can be difficult, as one dropout related to me. “In English class, I went through a bad spell, and I when I was presented with oral quizzes in vocabulary, fear took the words out of my mouth.
Math class did a number on me. As the term progressed, I became number and number. My angles were never right. They were never acute and always obtuse. I couldn’t even add, so I turned out to be a total failure.
In History class, I had no remembrance of things past because I couldn’t see any future in studying the subject. On tests, I made one error for each era. I experienced vial reactions to Chemistry. I had no formula for success, so I couldn’t master the elements of the subject and couldn’t come up with any solutions.
In Home Economics my cooking just didn’t pan out, my cakes and pies were half-baked, and, ultimately, my goose was cooked. I failed Art because the subject didn’t suit my pallet, so I drew a blank.
In foreign language classes, I got lost in translation. I wasn’t a Latin lover, and the teacher had to pardon my French because it was all Greek to me.
I went out for the School Orchestra, but I was so high-strung and keyed up that I didn’t know how to conduct myself. I fiddled around so much that the teacher wouldn’t let me play even second fiddle. My failure was noteworthy, and my flatter E got me nowhere.
In Drama class I couldn’t get by the first stage of the course and I never got my act together. I tried being a stagehand, but I soon needed a change of scenery.
Wood Shop was boring, and I couldn’t do the drill. The subject went against my grain, so I didn’t make the cut. In Computer Science, I developed a terminal illness. I lost my memory and my drive.
I was all charged up to take Electric Shop, but I had a negative experience in that class. The light bulb above my head never lit up. I wasn’t very bright, and I wasn’t able to stay current. The teacher found my performance to be shocking and re-volting; but never electrifying, so he grounded me.
In Driver’s Ed., I thought I was in the driver’s seat. I was placed in an accelerated course, but I was all over the road. I thought I got bad brakes, but the instructor told me I was shiftless, no good in the clutch, and unable to get it in gear.
In Phys. Ed. I just wasn’t fit for the class, and I wasn’t up to speed. I couldn’t learn the ropes, but I did climb the walls. I didn’t shape up, so I was shipped out.”

Short subjects
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.
Grandmother learned to read in gramma school.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
Carpenter students go to boarding school.
When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for three years.

A matter of principal
On the first day of high school, the new principal heard a terrible commotion coming from a classroom. He rushed in and spotted one young man, much taller than the others, who was making the most noise. He seized him, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for an hour about good behavior. When he was finished, he said, “Now, are there any questions?” One girl stood up timidly and said, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”

Say What?
An English teacher announced to the class, “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool.”
From the back of the room a voice called out, “So, what are the words?”
I’m off to go looking for those two words. Maybe I’ll find them by next week.