Pun Alley

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Visiting the firefighters

By Dick Frank

Several weeks ago I spoke at an Oak Run Friends of the Library meeting about writing Pun Alley and on humorous material. One of the things I mentioned is that my searches for material often find the same jokes rewritten to fit different occasions. To demonstrate this, I asked the audience for two occupations. They called out fireman and butcher, which I used in the following story.

Three firemen and three butchers were traveling by train to a union meeting. At the station, the three butchers each bought tickets and watched as the three firemen bought only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked a butcher.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answered a fireman. When they got on the train the butchers sat but the firemen crammed into a restroom and closed the door.

When the conductor started collecting tickets he knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please.” The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The butchers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the meeting, the butchers decided to save money by buying only a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the firemen didn’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one perplexed butcher.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answered a fireman. Aboard the train the butchers crammed into a restroom and the firemen crammed into another one nearby. When the train departed, one of the firemen left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the butchers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”

Burnt Prairie?

A fire started on a patch of prairie grasses near a farm. The local volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck that rumbled straight into the middle of the flames. The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

The farmer was so impressed and so grateful that his farm had been spared that he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000 on the spot. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

“That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”

Small Fires

When the fireman fell for the scam artist’s pitch, he got burned.

When a 2-seat private plane crashed into a cemetery in the back country the firemen reported recovering over 300 bodies and were still digging.

The fireman who owned a dog kept putting him out.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

She was only a fireman’s daughter, but she was really going to blazes.

I put all my money into taxes. That’s the only thing that’s sure to go up.

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. He couldn’t find a spot to park anywhere near the factory.

Yesterday I went to a fire sale.”

“What did you get?”

“A smoking jacket and a blazer.”

The math teacher went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

Dog Duty

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

Put Out

A husband and wife were having a spirited discussion about who was the more extravagant.

“You accuse me of reckless extravagance,” he said scornfully.

“When did I ever make a useless expenditure?”

“Well,” replied she naively, “there’s that fire-extinguisher you bought last year. We never used it once, not once.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.