Pun Alley 6-1-2012

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Having a laugh with the arts

By Dick Frank

Today is First Friday Art Walk. From 6 to 8 p.m., you can watch local artists work on their craft at Ocala’s downtown square. If you can’t make to the square, just read some artful stories in today’s Pun Alley.

Heavenly art
Little Johnny’s grandmother took him to the park on a Saturday morning. It was springtime and many beautiful flowers were in bloom. His grandmother remarked, “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”
Johnny said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “we learned at Sunday school that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.”

The statue
Back when General Minh was in charge in South Vietnam an artist came to him and pleaded to make a statue in his honor, at government expense of course.
“Please, General Minh, you are the people’s hero,” he told him.
“Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze,” replied the general.
So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was unveiled in a small private ceremony, the general was furious. For the sculpture was made in silver. “I want bronze,” he said, “I want bronze!”
The artist then made the sculpture out of bronze. When the sculpture was revealed the general was overjoyed at the wonderful bronze likeness.
The artist asked the general, “Why did you insist that the sculpture be made of bronze?”
“Why? I’ll tell you why,” said the general. “Because General Minh prefer bronze.”

I saw some things at an auction labeled “Art Objects.” Considering what they looked like, I’d object too.
When the artist thought about drawing a cube he had a mental block.
The absentminded sculptor put his model to bed and started chiseling on his wife.
A good artist draws the line somewhere.
An artist who specialized in 3-D painting borrowed Alka-Seltzer’s slogan: “Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz — Oh! What A Relief It Is!”
An acquaintance thinks he is an artist. He draws welfare.
An artist painted a picture of a canary and thought he could sell it by calling it “Mother’s Whistler.”
An artist without a palette makes paintings without taste.
One artist uses a strange medium. He paints everything on an empty stomach.
The Mona Lisa was brought up in court on charges of murder; but it turned out that she’d been framed.
An artist’s model is a girl who is often unsuited for her work.
I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing a blank.

Color dots
A young couple, Wilbur and Kay, were exploring the exhibits at the Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles one afternoon, when they came upon the museum’s famous collection of Eighteenth-Century French Impressionist Art.
Wilbur, unfamiliar as he was with the fine points of the period, came across a well-known painting that he mistakenly thought was an example of pointillism. He immediately called his wife over and naively exclaimed, “Kay, Seurat! Seurat!”
She took one bored look at the painting and replied, “Whatever, Wilby, Wilby.”

Cutting comment
John worked in an art supply store that sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and it was available in either of two widths, 36 inches or 48 inches. A customer asked, “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
John asked, “Certainly, what width?”
The customer replied with a confused and slightly annoyed look, “Scissors?”

Music, music
There’s a history of crossover artists in many musical genres. Even George Gershwin occasionally strayed into other markets. In fact he sometimes mixed it up quite a bit, as he did in one of his most famous albums, “Rap CD & Blues.”

It’s a gas
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.