Pun Alley

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Tales being told out of school

By Dick Frank

On Monday those big yellow vehicles will again appear on the roads indicating that school has started. It’s important for everyone to watch out for school buses stopping and starting, as well as for children crossing roads and streets.

Tales being told out of school have already found their way to Pun Alley.

Get up

One early morning a lady went in to wake up her son and said, “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”

The son replied, “But why Mom? I don’t want to go.”

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”

“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”

Mom said, “That’s no reason to not go to school. Come on now and get ready.”

The son said, “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”

“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the principal!”

For that matter

An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students’ written work. One overly busy day she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student asked, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?”

“Tense,” she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?”

In support of teachers

Last year on graduation day the principal said, “A parent said to me that half the teachers do all the work and the other half nothing at all. I’d like to assure all the parents here that at this school the opposite is the case.”

Short Subjects

When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, uphill, often in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.

Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.

When the electricity went off at a school during a storm the students were de-lighted.

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for three years.

As the school band was getting their instruments in key the conductor said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called “Too Ning.”

While in school, Robert E. Lee was voted by his classmates as the most likely to secede.

Say What?

The English teacher asked her class, “What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?”

A rather fresh kid raised his hand and said, “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

Then the teacher asked, “Give me two personal pronouns” and pointed to a certain child.

The child replied, “Who, me?”

Later in the same classroom She announced, “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool.

From the back of the room a voice called out, “So, what are the words?”

I’m off to go looking for those two words. Maybe I’ll find them by next week.

Miracle worker

After being interviewed by the school administration, the new teaching prospect said, “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. I’m supposed to modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs, check their backpacks for weapons, and raise their self-esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, and communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, books, a bulletin board, a big smile and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps. You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me not to pray?”

I think teachers need all the prayer we can give them. They have a major part in forging the character and future of our youngsters.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.