Pun Alley 5-4-2012

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A column to honor our firefighters

By Dick Frank

Today is International Firefighters’ Day, a time for everyone to recognize and honor the sacrifices that firefighters make to ensure their communities and environment are as safe as possible.
It’s also a day in which current and past firefighters can be thanked for their services.
Today’s column is dedicated to all of them. Hopefully, they will not be put out by it, but will have some laughs.

In the old days before motor vehicles, a fire wagon was pulled by a team of horses, followed by men running as fast as possible.
The sole occupant of the fire wagon was a dog, always a tan mutt with a shape resembling an Irish setter with a buzz cut.
The dog was there to steer the wagon, for the horses wouldn’t listen to calls from the brigade men, but the dog would hear the call and tug he reins this way and that. It worked so well that fire wagons everywhere had a tan shorthaired setter steering them.
One day the mayor of a town wanted to know why such a plain looking dog was driving their fire wagon. “What do you mean plain looking?” asked the Fire Chief.
“I mean,” replied the mayor, “that I’ve had reports from all over the country regarding fire wagons. And the reports everywhere state that a dog’s been spotted driving the wagon.”
And that’s how Dalmatians become the dog for all fire trucks.

Holy Smoke!
The convert always put the oldest nuns on the highest floor, figuring that they were closer to heaven that way.
Six of these nuns were in their third-floor sleeping quarters when a fire broke out one night.
The nuns quickly took off their outfits, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out of the window
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a fireman came over to one of the nuns and asked her, “Weren’t you afraid that the habits might have ripped or broke since, they are so old?
The nun smiled and replied, “Oh, no, dear, we weren’t worried at all. Don’t you know old habits are hard to break?”

Small fires
When a 2-seat private plane crashed into a cemetery in Kentucky the firemen reported recovering over 150 bodies and were still digging.
Firefighters use hot line phones.
The best way to calm a fire-breathing dragon is to throw water on it. This is sure to cause it to let off some steam.
A kaleidoscope is a device for watching automobile accidents.
In firefighting terms, CHAOS means the Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
Old firefighters never die; they just go to blazes.
In Dallas a warehouse full of energy drinks caught fire. Firefighters say the fire raged for five hours and then totally crashed.
“Yesterday I went to a fire sale.”
“What did you get?”
“A smoking jacket and a blazer.”

The golfer
After a poor golf game, the golfer was walking to the parking lot to get his car when a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”
“Yes,” the golfer responded.
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.
“Well,” said the policeman, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield.
“The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Pin Puller
When the restaurant employees attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. “Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then depress the trigger to release the foam.”
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.

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