Pun Alley 5-11-2012

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A Mother's Day tour

By Dick Frank

On Sunday we celebrate Mother’s Day to show honor and respect to one of the most influential persons in our lives. We all spent the most formative years of our lives with our mothers. Our tour down Pun Alley starts with a question, “is your mom anywhere in the column?”
Not our moms
As we think back we realize there were many things mom would not say:
“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
“Just leave all the lights on; it makes the house look more cheery.”
“Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
“Well, if John’s mamma says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me; just use your sleeve.”
“Don’t bother wearing a jacket; the wind-chill is bound to improve.”
“Be good and for your birthday I’ll buy you a motorcycle!”
“I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.”
“Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?”
Today’s moms?
The cop reminded the young teenager for wearing the scantiest bikini. It looked like three colored Band-Aids. “What would your mother say if she saw you in the outfit?” the sergeant asked.
“She’d be furious,” she answered, “it’s her suit.”
Today’s children?
An acquaintance told me, “Last year on Mother’s Day the whole family got together for a big dinner and afterward, when Mom started to clean up, I said to her, ‘Don’t bother with those dishes, Mom. Today is Mother’s Day, you can always do them tomorrow.’”
Short stories
A lady asked her doctor if a woman should have children after 35. He said, “Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.”
One woman is so proud of her son. He goes to a psychiatrist every day and spends the whole hour just talking about her.
The child had his mother’s eyes, his mother’s nose, and his mother’s mouth. This leaves his mother with a pretty blank expression.
A mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once and by car forever after.
I figured out why they call our language the ‘Mother Tongue.’ Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry at weddings.
Meatless Dinner
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. She said, “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meatloaf for dinner tonight and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly and I know I have the recipe right, because it’s the one you gave me. But, it just didn’t come out right and I’m so upset. What could have gone wrong”?
Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step and together we’ll figure it out.”
“Okay,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef.’”
Motherhood’s ten principles
1. To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
2. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
3. Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
4. Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
5. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
6. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
7. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
8. Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
9. An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don’t have small children.
10. Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.

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