Pun Alley 4-13-2012

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Time for some taxing stories

By Dick Frank

Federal income tax returns for 2011 taxes are due April 17, 2012, two days after the ususal tax due date of April 15. April 15 is a Sunday, so taxes are typically due on Monday, the next business day. But Monday, April 16, is Emancipation Day in Washington, D.C. It certainly wouldn’t be proper to have to have to pay taxes on Emancipation Day; so Tuesday is the big due date for taxes.
In the meantime, take a break from your IRS forms and enjoy some taxing stories on this “unlucky” Friday the 13th.

“Who can tell me what caused the American Revolution to break out?” the teacher asked her history class.
“Taxation,” replied a student.
“Good,” The teacher saw a boy whose hand was waving. “Yes, John?”
“How come they teach that we won?”
Another student said, “Our forefathers made one mistake. What they should have fought for was representation without taxation.”

Abusive mail
An angry little man bounced into the postmaster’s office. “For some time now,” he shouted, “I’ve been pestered by threatening letters, and I want something done about it.”
“I’m sure we can help,” soothed the postmaster. “That’s a federal offense. Have you any idea who is sending you these letters?”
“I certainly have,” snapped the little fellow. “It’s them pesky income tax people.”

Short forms
Nothing is new. In 1930 when Herbert Hoover was president, he said, “Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.”
Income tax time is when millions of Americans test their powers of deductions.
Tax collectors and psychiatrists are giving out the same advice: “It’s no good for a man to keep too much to himself.”
IRS audits are awesome. They make a federal case of everything.
If you pay your income tax you go to the poorhouse and if you don’t pay, you go to the jailhouse.
When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin.
Where there’s a will, there’s an Inheritance Tax.
One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes. It can be cash, check or money order.
It’s too bad for the middle-income person. They earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.
Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other takes the cash.
We don’t seem to be able to control crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
Don’t you long for the good old days when Uncle Sam lived within his income and without most of ours?

Political Overtones
The White House has refused to make any comments on the soaring gasoline prices. However the government is willing to help. The IRS just offered to either mail you your refund or they can deposit it directly into your gas station.
Once again we ought to thank Obama. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income taxes.
The IRS says it’s been getting death threats since Obamacare passed because the IRS will be in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to them are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS’s ability to threaten them.
Under Obama everyone in America will be working for the government. Democrats will be on the payrolls and Republicans will be on the tax rolls.

A stranger, dashing into a house in answer to a woman’s screams, found a frightened mother who explained that her young son had swallowed a quarter. The stranger grabbed the child by the feet and shook him vigorously until the coin fell from the boy’s mouth. “Doctor,” the woman gasped with relief, “it certainly was lucky you happened by. You knew just how to get it out of him.”
“I’m not a doctor, madam,” the stranger explained. “I’m a deputy director of the Internal Revenue Service.”
All of us know how the boy felt. Long after the tax-paying shakedown, we still feel shook up about the whole thing.
Oak Run residents Dick and Jane are no storybook characters; they have to pay taxes like everyone else.