Pun Alley

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Learning about Halloween and our politicians

By Dick Frank

Years ago Halloween was strictly for children’s activities of dressing up in costumes and going from door to door for candy treats. Now, even adults get into the act wearing a costume and pretending to be other than what they really are. Most of us have just one day for this. But our politicians do this every day, especially leading up to Election Day Nov. 2.

Our travel down Pun Alley take us to some haunts and ghostly stories for Halloween; but beware of the politicians who will continue their ghoulish activities for several more days when you get to vote for the political joke of your choice

Really moving

The orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office and his staff was helping transport many of the items. Joan had put the display skeleton in the front seat of her car with its bony arm across the back of the seat. She hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside her became obvious, and she looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

Ruthless trick

On Halloween Ruth wanted to catch the costumed trick or treaters in the pose of grabbing goodies from her treat bowl. She rigged one of those little remote digital computer cameras as a Snickers bar and placed it in with all the other treats. As the costumed kids reached into the bowl their faces would appear on the computer screen and Ruth would announce, “Smile, you’re on candied camera.”

Vampire Bites

When Dracula visits New York City, it’s always to the Vampire State Building.

The vampire opened his savings account at a blood bank.

At bedtime, little witches love to hear the story of “Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares.”

The mummy was tense because he was all wound up.

The skeleton didn’t dance at the Halloween party because it had no body to dance with.

Dracula likes to water ski on Lake Erie.

When goblins and ghosts are hot and thirsty they drink ghoul-aid.

Dracula broke up with his sweetie because she wasn’t his blood type.

When the detective solved the case of the missing mummy he said, “Well, that one’s about all wrapped up!”

Ghouls and demons are always together because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Last Halloween one kid showed up at the door dressed as an IRS agent. It was very authentic. He took 40 percent of the candy.

Dragons sleep during the day so they can fight knights.

When the boat sank in the sea full of piranha fish, it came back with a skeleton crew.

The headless horseman went into business because he wanted to get ahead in life.

One witch told another one, “I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker.”

Medical Costumes

Two medical residents were invited to a Halloween party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues. One wore the top half and the other one wore the bottom half. They went as an upper and lower GI.

Another medical resident simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 printed across the front in glitter. When someone finally asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, “I’m a temp.”

A Bad Spell

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death; we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Halloween night

Dick and his wife Jane have heard tales about Halloween night in Oak Run when mountain lions wander in from the Green Way, coyotes howl and owls keep track of every moving thing by repeatedly asking “who, who.” We will certainly be staying indoors.