Pun Alley

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Plugging the leaks

By Dick Frank

The minute I got the phone call I knew I’d be in hot water when I got home. Sure enough, it was running out of the garage and down the driveway. The hot water heater had sprung a leak. When the plumber arrived to install a new one I had just started cleaning out the water logged mess in the garage. We exchanged some interesting stories that have now made their way to Pun Alley.

Double double, toilet trouble

A plumber obtained a seal pup from a marine animal rescue service. He brought the slippery little fellow up to be his valued assistant on the job.

As the seal matured, it became a specialist in fixing toilet problems. The flippered creature could balance tools on its nose to fix dozens of problems. The novelty of a seal plumber caused business to boom.

But one day, the seal got the urge to join the circus. The animal was such a quick study that it became a star overnight, balancing balls upon its nose and playing complicated musical compositions on a row of horns.

The plumber lamented, “You picked a fine time to leave me, loo seal!”

Drain surgeon

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house, and he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! Even I don’t make that much as a doctor!”

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

The right solution

Carol always had an almost irresistible urge to go running down the street naked after every bath she took. She finally came upon a solution. Immediately after getting out of the bathtub, she sprays herself with Windex. It keeps her from streaking.

Small Leaks

I’ll admit to not being much of a plumber, so when I tried to repair my toilet I couldn’t get a handle on it.

The homeowner phoned the plumber, “Can you come over and fix my kitchen sink again?”

“You know I’m always at your disposal.”

The president couldn’t understand all the commotion about a leak; the White House plumbing was just fine.

Sign on a Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

The plumber was well suited to his trade because he was such a drip.

“Help!” the man on the phone screamed at the plumber, “I got a leak in my toilet.”

“Why tell me?” said the plumber.

Only when the plumbing is stopped up do you realize that a flush is better than a full house.

You never see a plumber bite his nails.

The plumber can’t put in the bathroom fixtures until next month. That’s a shower stall if I’ve ever heard one.

Plumbing is the only profession where you’ll hear your boss say, “Be sure your joints have lots of dope in them!”

Clogs are a plumber’s favorite shoes.

The plumber and an investigative reporter both get paid by the leak.

Bathing is dangerous

Sigmund Freud’s addiction to cocaine caused him to stumble and fall quite often injuring himself. He died when one day after taking a bath. Getting out of the tub he slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly. This was the final Freudian slip.

Fast service

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. “I’m here to fix the leaky pipe,” he announced.

“I didn’t call a plumber,” said the lady.

“What?” huffed the plumber.

“Aren’t you Mrs. Snyder?”

“The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago,” explained the lady.

“How do you like that,” grunted the plumber. “They call you up and tell you it’s an emergency and then they move away!”

Taking a bath

Jethro, a young mountaineer, had just come into some money, and decided to buy a real bathtub, instead of the galvanized washtub he usually bathed in.

He went to the plumber’s shop, and arranged for them to install it in his shack.

Next day, he was back at the plumber’s, complaining. “The water keeps draining out as fast as the faucet will pour it in. I can’t take a bath in it if the water won’t stay long enough!”

The plumber asked, “Did you put the plug in?”

“What?” said Jethro. “You didn’t tell me it was electric!”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.