Pun Alley 3-23-2012

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Time for spring cleaning

By Dick Frank

Springtime is here. Next week is National Cleaning Week, according to the Internet site, Bizarre, Crazy, Silly Unknown Holidays. It’s time to do that spring-cleaning, indoors to clear out those winter cobwebs and outdoors to get rid of leftover leaves and branches that blew down during all the recent winds. Accordingly, Pun Alley has some clean stories for you.

Clean-up demands
Three men were bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had told his wife she would do all the dishes and housecleaning. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day the house was clean and the dishes were washed and put away.
Jimmy bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that by the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was dinner on the table.
The third man had told his wife that she was to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and mow the lawn.

No bull about it
An Indian walked into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a buffalo with the other. He said to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
The waiter replied, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.” He got the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drank the coffee in one gulp, turned and blasted the buffalo with the shotgun causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then he just walked out.
The next morning the Indian returned with his shotgun and another buffalo. He told the waiter, “Want coffee.”
The waiter said, “Whoa! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiled and proudly said, “Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

In hindsight, holding a ticker-tape parade to honor our city’s street cleaning crew was probably a bad idea.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to a convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
She is a wonderful housekeeper. Every time she divorced she kept the house.
All these dry cleaning storeowners were gathered together to hold a press conference.
The Janitor’s Union has been cleaning up after implementing sweeping reforms.
People in the dry cleaning business do not believe in a free press.

Smith went to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he said, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help in the house and garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replied. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” said Smith “I knew I could count on you.”

Well organized
The husband was always telling his wife that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while she was away.
When a neighbor stopped in to see how he was managing, he boasted, “I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath.” Then he added sheepishly, “When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest.”

How’s that?
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. After he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “Florida State University.”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.