Pun Alley

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Taking to the high seas

By Dick Frank

In the summer taking a cruise ship to the Bahamas or other hot destinations is a lot cheaper than in the winter. In addition, you are more likely to run into unexpected adventures such as a hurricane or a spreading oil sheen. Pun Alley leaves the pavement and takes to the seas today.

Deferred ruling

When a judge took a cruise he brought his paralegal along to do some work while on vacation. They had just left port when the paralegal began suffering from seasickness. On the second day of this, the judge asked his paralegal if he could help in any way. The paralegal replied, “Only if you can dismiss this motion, your honor.”

Face the music

A man who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the band. Finally the captain said: “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. It’s up to you, sync or swim!”

Island reception

The newlyweds went on a cruise for their honeymoon and found themselves shipwrecked on an island where a tribe of cannibals lived. Nevertheless, the inhabitants were very welcoming. In fact, when they found out the couple had just been married, the cannibals threw a party. They toasted the bride and then barbecued the groom.

Small waves

On a cruise, you should always carry a bar of soap because if you are thrown overboard you would be certain to be washed ashore.

When your ship comes in the government docks it.

I told the waiter that the soup was awful and asked who made it. He said he had a hand in it.

When the bottom of a cargo ship got a hole, it was one hull of a problem.

A wedding aboard a luxurious cruise boat can run from $3,000 to $40,000, if someone wants to go overboard.

I have been eating little bits of metal for the last 3 weeks. My doctor told me I needed a staple diet.

On a long cruise a passenger had nothing to do, so he explored all around the ship and got lost. So a crewman yelled, “man over-bored!”

The university paid for the professors to take a cruise because they were on a scholar ship.

Women are a lot like ships. If kept in good shape and painted occasionally, they will stay see worthy.

First Shark: “What’s that funny two-legged thing that just fell in the water?”

Second Shark: “Don’t know, but I’ll bite.”

The Panhandler

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. The Purser threw him off the ship telling him, “Beggars can’t be cruisers.”

In Dutch

A poor little Dutch boy could remember nothing but difficult times. Food was scarce, his father was abusive, and there was nothing to do after school except chores and homework. Every day was another hardship.

The boy’s only relief was to sneak away and dive from a windmill into the canal, but his father always punished him for skipping out on his chores. As he got older his diving skills became very impressive.

The boy learned that a worldwide diving championship contest would be held in China, so he stowed away on a cruise liner. When the boy was discovered, the captain listened to his hardship tale and decided to let the boy demonstrate his abilities. If he could execute a perfect dive from the top of the radar mast, he could continue to the Olympics.

At the top of the radar mast, the gentle sway of the ship made it necessary for him to jump when he was directly over the pool. Having never done this before he mistimed his jump and crashed onto the deck and went completely through it to the next deck below.

Everyone was astonished when he sat up, dazed, but apparently unhurt. The captain, rushed forward and asked, “Are you OK?”

The boy shook his head and answered: “I’m fine. I’ve been through many hard ships before.”

That sinking feeling

A small sailing ship was experiencing major trouble in heavy seas. When it became obvious that the ship was going down, the passengers all moved into the ship’s galley and survived even thought the ship sank. They all knew that everything but the kitchen sink.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.