Pun Alley

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It’s October, time for festivals and puns

By Dick Frank

The world’s biggest festival is Oktoberfest, held each year in Munich, Germany, running from late September to early October. People from all over pilgrimage to Germany to throw down beer, sing in good cheer, and enjoy Bavarian food.

Our own Oktoberfest celebration, modeled after the Munich event, will be held tomorrow at the Circle Square. Our trip down Pun Alley brings us some German thoughts and a few alcoholic stories.


The European Commission recently announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that will become known as “Euro-English.”

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c.” Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k.” This should klear up konfusion.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f.” This will make words like fotograf easier to spell.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters that have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the fourth yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

It’s what you say

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The conclusion is eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you. Changing to Euro-English should certainly make you healthier.

Count on it

Two German tourists in America went into a bar and the first guy ordered, “Two martinis, please.”

The bartender asked, “Dry?”

The second guy replied, “Nein, zwei!”


At the Oktoberfest the sauerbrauten was very good, even though I had been expecting the wurst.

In order to sell the rest of his beer by the end of the day, the vendor held a liquidation sale.

Joe does all of his thinking over a glass of beer. Let’s face it; two heads are better than one.

When the 24-bottle cart of beer he was using to make a legal point got too heavy and he had to put it down, the lawyer said to the jury, “I rest my case!”

When he filled his waterbed with beer, he ended up with a foam mattress.

A man with a chunk of asphalt under his arm walked into a bar and said, “a beer for me and one for the road.”


As a man entered a bar to meet a friend he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. “Nine,” one whispered. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy and reported that a girl had just rated him a nine out of 10. “I don’t want to ruin it for you,” his friend said, “but when I walked in they were speaking German.”

Finest Less drink

Harry said to the bartender, “A glass of your finest Less, please.”

“Less? Never heard of it.”

“C’mon, sure you have!”

“No, really. We don’t stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?”

“I’m not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.