Pun Alley 12-9-2011

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Marching to the beat of my own drum

By Dick Frank

The Ocala Symphony Orchestra plays tonight on the downtown square as part of the light-up Ocala activities. As a prelude to this excellent music, I’m marching down Pun Alley beating my own drum and blowing my horn to produce the following discordant notes.

Out of tune
Several college students were hired for the busy holiday season at a mail-order music company. A supervisor reviewing their work found that one of them wrote a note regarding a customer’s request for some golden oldies, “Customer is looking for two song titles: ‘Shovel Off Two Buffaloes’ and ‘Honey, Suck a Rose.’”

Musicians’ ball
The Williston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don’t play for about 20 minutes. One of them decided that they’d all just file offstage during this time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. One of them suggested, “Hey, we’ve got 20 minutes, let’s run across the street to the bar for a few!”
So off they went to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and few rounds later, one of the players said, “Shouldn’t we be heading back? It’s almost time.”
Their proclaimed leader replied, “We’ll have some extra time, I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he’d have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We’ve got time for another round!” Then, sloshed and staggering, they went back to finish Ludwig’s 9th.
Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor’s haggard, drawn, and livid expression. “Gee,” one player queried, “Why do you suppose he looks so tense?”
“You’d be tense, too,” laughed the leader. “It’s the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.”

Random notes
She sings Southern songs so naturally that people put cotton in their ears.
Marriage brings music into a man’s life. He learns to play second fiddle.
The long-term unemployed musicians eventually found work as a ragtime band.
I compose music in bed. It’s called “sheet music”.
In Gainesville some music stores are in a CD part of town.
Never ask an old musician about his operation. It could be the start of an organ recital.
The orchestra conductor threw tempo tantrums.
The thief who robbed a music store got away with the lute and now plays a steal guitar.
Earning his major in music and minor in geology, the graduate looked for a job in a rock band.
A musical group of lumberjacks plays in logarithm.
The difference between a musician and a savings bond is that the savings bond eventually matures and makes money.
Old chamber music quartets never die; they just go for baroque.
You can’t go to the bathroom at a Beatles reunion concert because there’s no John.
When he played in Key West it was the first time he knew what key he was in.

Unfinished symphony
Two weeks ago on Black Friday morning a man standing in line at the checkout was pleased to hear bits of classical music. Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to quickly stop. Turning to the woman standing behind him he commented on how lovely the music was and how he hoped the store would get their sound system fixed. As the music started up again the man said to the lady, “there it is again! Isn’t it lovely?”
“Sir, it is lovely, but it’s not from the store,” she replied. “Your cell phone is ringing.”

Pipe dreams
A student from Scotland found housing in a University dorm his first year at UF. After a month his mother came to visit. “How do you find the American students?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible noisy people! One keeps banging his head against the wall, and won’t stop. The student on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!”
“Oh, how ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy Americans?”
“Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes.”
Readers beware! Despite your head banging and screaming, I’ll just keep pounding away on my out-of-tune keyboard.
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.