Pun Alley 12-31-2010

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Looking at the new year

By Dick Frank

Christmas is over, now it’s time for New Year’s

Christmas was over. Finally at the North Pole Santa and his reindeer got time for a rest. This gave Rudolph a chance to do something he had wanted for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the other reindeers.

So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgical procedure, and since that time, January 1 has been celebrated as New Ears Day. I think I heard that right.

The day after Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead,
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks, and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, on the street so near.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand,
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
“Now Macy’s, now Walmart’s, now Penney’s and Sears
Here’s Best Buy’s and Target’s and Belk’s—all here!

To the top of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!”
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“Enjoy what you got, you’ll be paying all year!”

In a New Year’s minute

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet? We’re going to be late for the New Year’s Eve party.”

Shouting back, the woman replies, “For crying out loud, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour that I’ll be ready in a minute!”

Poor Richard’s parade?

A group of local homeless folks have announced their intention to join this year’s traditional parade of mimes and other performers on New Year’s Day in Philadelphia. They’re billing it as “The mummers and the paupers.”

Mood indicator

Some time ago the Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year theyclaimed to be able to predict the overall mood of the new year by watching theanimals. In particular, the gnu’s who, if their ears were forward,predicted a successful, joyous year, but if their ears were laid back flat,predicted a sorrowful, disastrous year. One year it was young Mary’s turnto “survey” the animals and come up with the prediction. It was her firsttime solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to check on the gnus. Well,she made a mistake predicting a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. Inexplanation, the local newspaper ran thefollowing headline, “Mary Crist misses an happy gnu’s ear!”

Good intentions

Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem: “Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz.”

Pun Alley resolution

Today would not be complete without some New Year’s resolutions. I recommend that you resolve to have more fun and laughs in the coming years. I resolve to try to help this along with Pun Alley every week.

Oak Run residents Dick and Jane wish you a Happy New Year and trust that any resolution you make is not something that goes in one year and out the other.