Pun Alley 12-24-2010

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Just joking around on Christmas Eve

By Dick Frank

Tonight is Christmas Eve. By now your shopping should be over and parents and grandparents worn to a frazzle. While kids anxiously await the arrival of Santa Claus, take a break, relax and wander down Pun Alley for some punny stories.

A kid’s vision

A youngster drew a Christmas scene that showed Santa, sleigh and reindeer. There were the regular eight and Rudolph plus a strange looking tenth animal. The addition looked like a cross between a reindeer and a cow with a green nose. The youngster explained that it was Olive, the udder reindeer.

When the same youngster drew a nativity scene he included three very tiny men wearing crowns. He explained that they were the wee three kings from the Orient.

His last bit of creativity showed four robed men standing in a flowerbed under a full moon. They were the shepherds who watched their Phlox by night.

Cut ups

The two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for aChristmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close callswith hungry coyotes, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m choppingdown the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

Stocking stuffers

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it,
it flew away.

People who are afraid of Santa Claus are claustrophobic.

When the bald man got a comb for Christmas, he said,“Thanks! I’ll never part with it.”

One of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble. Comet cleans sinks.

When I shot my new rifle on the golf course on the first day of Christmas, I wound up with a cartridge on a par three.

A dog breeder crossed a setter and a pointer at Christmas time and got a pointsetter.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It’s already wound up.

Christmas is just like a day at the office; you do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Christmas is the one time of the year we can truly say our children are gifted.

For a while I thought I’d become a collector of miniature Santa Claus figurines but just never got a Saint Nick knack.

The Supreme Court ruled against having a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Many of Santa’s helpers are in therapy this year. Seems they’re suffering from low elf esteem.


Travel folly

A few days before Christmas, John arrived at the airport to observe tacky red and green decorations and loudspeakers blaring irritating renditions of well-known Christmas songs. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously and being slightly tired, he was not in a good mood. Going to check in his luggage, he saw some plastic imitation mistletoe hanging. He said to the attendant, “I sorry, but I really wouldn’t want to kiss you under such a mockery of mistletoe.”

“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is hanging,” said the attendant.

John replied, “I see that it’s above the luggage scale, which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”

She answered, “That’s not why it’s there.”

“I give up. Why is it there?” asked John.

The attendant replied, “It’s there so that you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

Several last notes

The local theater group was in trouble when the lead actor, Christopher, couldn’t make the premier performance of “The Hound of the Baskervilles.” So as his understudy, I told the young lady director, “I’ll be Holmes for Chris, miss.”

A good way to go under anesthesia before they wheel you into the operating room is to think happy thoughts. I like Christmas so I conjure up an image of St. Nicholas. When I head into surgery I’m gonna take a Santa mental gurney.

A pastor got a note accompanying a box of Christmas goodies, addressed to him and his wife from an old lady in the parish, “Dear Pastor, Knowing that you do not eat sweets, I am sending candy to your wife and nuts to you.”

While this week’s column has been some fun, let us remember that the real joy of Christmas comes from knowing Jesus Christ. Oak Run residents Dick and Jane Frank wish you all a Merry Christmas!