Pun Alley 12-23-2011

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Here comes Santa Claus

By Dick Frank

Christmas is Sunday. There’s still time to do that last-minute shopping where you get to fight everyone else to get those perfect gifts before the stores close. This can wear you to a frazzle. So, while the kids anxiously await the arrival of Santa Claus, take a break, relax and stop at Pun Alley for some punny stories.

Santa’s bull
Every Christmas Eve, Santa’s reindeer complete a long and tiring journey. Before they depart, Santa’s sled has to be pulled to several North Pole stops while it is loaded.
To keep the reindeer fresh for their trip, Santa acquired a bull for the loading task.
He selected one with a nose just like Rudolph’s, so it could see where it was going.
When the sleigh had been fully loaded, and Santa had departed one particularly cold Christmas Eve, an elf led the animal back to the barn, where it immediately headed for the fireplace. The elf ran to the house, and with great excitement brought Mrs. Claus out to the barn, for there, in front of them, was proof positive of glow-bull warming.

Christmas Horse
Along with the three wise men, the shepherds, and the others who showed up at the manger, there was also a fellow on a white charger, wearing a suit of armor.
But he never got as famous. In fact, only one song celebrates his part in the proceedings, “O Holy Knight.”

Stocking Stuffers
One local department store has two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who want 10 toys or less.
I just bought my Christmas tree. I think I made a mistake though. I bought the three-year extended warranty.
The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I thought the first one was.
Christmas is the time when everyone gets Santamental.
“May I speak to the person in charge of gift wrap?”
“Sorry, she’s all tied up!”

’Twas a Florida Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through Ocala town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, ’twas not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes, trees and palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find bicycles under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn’t a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in an SL 300, delivering his loads.

The full moon gave Ocala a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren’t any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house, stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of orange juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up I-75 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
“Merry Christmas y’all, I wish I could stay!”

While this week’s column has been some fun, let us remember that the real joy of Christmas comes from celebrating the birthday of Jesus Christ. Oak Run residents Dick and Jane Frank wish you all a Merry Christmas!