Pun Alley 12-2-2011

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Going for the gold

By Dick Frank

On Dec. 5 President Polk triggered the Gold Rush of 1848 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California. It actually started earlier in that year but did not have countrywide publicity. Our own Ocala gold rush also started slowly with a few places buying gold until now we have vacant storefronts, closed gas stations and previous fast food joints all open as gold-buying business.
Gold is now worth about $1,800 an ounce. In California there’s a new gold rush with gang members now shooting each other over control of river bends instead of street corners. In New York’s Central Park gold chain snatchers are taking limos to work.
I once tried looking for gold, but it didn’t pan out.

Two miners struck pay dirt with their latest claim but began arguing over who should get what part of the treasure. Finally, the first miner asked, “Do you want the silver or the gold?”
The second miner shrugged his shoulders and answered, “I don’t care, either ore.”

Gold miners
Gold is now so valuable that large piles of waste, called tailings, from earlier mining are being reprocessed. This requires use of chemicals, including cyanide, to leach out the gold. Exposure to the mineworkers can be quite hazardous.
The federal government and the mining industry are working diligently to resolve these potentially unsafe and environmentally unsound processing practices because it has been recognized that a waste is a terrible thing to mine.

Gold diggers
A gold digger is a woman after all.
A chorus girl asked another if she’d marry a rich old man. The second chorus girl said, “Honey, if somebody offered you a check for a million dollars, would you stop to look at the date?”
I knew she was a gold digger, so I made her mine.
A great way for a girl to get a mink is to find a wolf and skin him.
He’s got what it takes, and she’s taking what he’s got.
One day I told her about my rich uncle. Now she’s my rich aunt.
Half of the women in the country are working women. The other half are working men.

Mine, all mine
A gold miner had worked hard accumulating a lot of gold. Near death he prayed that he could take his wealth to heaven. After much fervent prayer, an angel appeared to him and said that God will allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Just before he died, the man filled his suitcase with gold bars. When he arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, “You can’t bring that suitcase in here”
The man said God gave him permission. After checking, Peter said, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, “You brought paving blocks?”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.