Pun Alley 12-05-2014

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Politics and politicians

By Dick Frank

General elections have been over for about a month. Results show that theRepublican Party had sweeping gains in the Senate, House, and in numerousgubernatorial, state, and local races. Yet, one politician claims that the Democrats actually won. Other political pundits have made any number of disparaging comments about congress and voters. Such opinions have been around for a long time proving that nothing is new and, perhaps, nothing has changed.


Mark Twain’s opinions

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.


Will Rogers’ opinions

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often, they get elected.

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

There ought to be one day, just one, when there is open season on senators.


One of Bob Hope’s best

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that’s why we have two parties.


The politician dance

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. “All you have to do,” she told her class, “is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step, and turn around.”


So true

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, the barber said, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased when he left. When the barber opened the next morning there was a “thank you” card and a dozen roses at his door.

Later a cop came in for a haircut and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” Next morning there was another “thank you” card and a dozen donuts at his door.

Then a congressman came in for a haircut. The barber again said, “I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The next morning, when the barber opened up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


Spiritual advice

One of the presidents was terribly depressed after the latest public opinion poll. He got the bright idea of quizzing the spirit of Abraham Lincoln, so he got his aides to organize a séance. The president said, “O, great Lincoln, help me! I am beset by enemies overseas, hounded by the media, even criticized by members of my own political party. What must I do to get out this hornets’ nest? What’s the best decision I could make for the American people?”

The spirit of Lincoln answered, “Take it easy. You just need a change of pace. Do what I did. Take a night off and go to the theatre.”


Appealing comments

A politician who had been an astronomer was always saying, “no comet.”

DC voters have legalized marijuana possession in the nation’s capital. Of course, Congress was way ahead of them. They went to pot years ago.

Cross a lion and an ocelot and you get a political animal. It’s a Lialot, close relative of the Cheetalot.

Three politicians walked into a bar. The bartender said, “We don’t serve politicians here.”

The politicians replied, “That’s OK. We don’t serve you either.”

The senator was furious when his steak arrived rare. “Waiter, didn’t you hear me say ‘well done?’”

“I can’t thank you enough, sir, I hardly ever get a compliment, especially from senators.”

My own party may want to disown me after seeing this column. It doesn’t matter. As Christmas approaches, we are off to another party next week anyway.