Pun Alley 11-11-11

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Taking a Veterans Day parade

By Dick Frank

Today is Veterans Day, a holiday to honor America’s veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good. It is also celebrated as Armistice Day or Remembrance Day in other parts of the world, falling on Nov. 11, the anniversary of the signing of the armistice that ended World War I.
Our parade down Pun Alley starts with a twenty-one-pun salute to honor our veterans.
Young Stan told his father that when he grew up he wanted to drive a big Army tank. “Well, son,” said his dad, “if that’s what you want to do, I won’t stand in your way.”
People who hate the Marines are rotten to the corps.
One young soldier destroyed five bridges, blew up an ammo dump, and wiped out an important military installation. Fortunately, after that they sent him overseas.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will.”
If people think that old soldiers just fade away, they ought to try to get into an old army uniform.
“What shall we do, sir? The enemy are as thick as peas.”
“Shell them, of course!”
A new recruit couldn’t understand why they called him private. He slept in a room with 80 other guys.
He stared at his belly button so much, he was promoted to Navel Officer.
An ex-sailor prefers to forget the days he spent playing cards in submarines, dismissing them as “so much bridge under the water.”
How can any place be good where the bed is a bunk and the kitchen is a mess?
A woman was in love with 20 soldiers. It was platoonic.
You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.
The overweight fighter pilot was grounded for violating the rules of engorgement.
An artist with the military kept drawing enemy fire.
At first the paratroops didn’t obey orders, but finally they fell in line.
He was to carry two flags in the parade, but decided that would be a double standard.
A chaplain on the sea leads the soldiers in their warship.
My dentist served in the Army. Of course he was a Drill Sergeant.
A soldier who stuffed himself with ice cream was a desserter.
“Have you swabbed the decks and polished the brass?”
“Yes, sir. And when nobody was looking, I took out my binoculars and swept the horizon.”

Must be right
New Recruit: My name’s Wright and you spelled it wrong twice. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Company Clerk: That’s right.
New Recruit: But it’s wrong.
Clerk: If it’s wrong, it can’t be right.
New Recruit: You don’t understand. My name’s Wright.
Clerk: How do you write it, Wright?
New Recruit: That’s not right.
Clerk: Then you don’t write it right?
New Recruit: Right.
Clerk: Next!

Let down
The paratroopers were practicing in backwoods Tennessee. One jumper was close to the property of an old mountain man and his very large family. One of the kids saw the chute floating down and yelled out, “Pa, get your shotgun; the stork is bringing them full-grown now!”

No loafing
The troops were complaining that the mess’s bread was too hard to eat. The officer in charge said, “If Napoleon’s troops had that bread, they’d have eaten it down to the last crumb.”
A soldier replied, “I believe that, sir. But it was fresh then.”

Goodtime Charley
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, and sharp minded. But he just couldn’t get to work on time. Every day he was five, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late.
Finally, the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know, boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though; you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”
“They usually said, ‘Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir’?”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.