Pun Alley 10-31-2014

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Trick or treat: some Halloween laughs

By Dick Frank

Candy corn and other candy packages have taken over an entire aisle and costumes fill up most of another aisle in the stores. Wispy appearances of ghosts, globins, and witches seem to be permeating the area. With today being Halloween, Pun Alley can’t resist going there for some haunts and ghostly stories.

Entirely normal
Everyone dressed up for Halloween at the company I retired from. One fellow’s costume stumped us. He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 printed across the front in glitter. When someone finally asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, “I’m a temp.”
Back then a friend of mine asked me if my Halloween costume was a pun. I told her it was. I had on a shirt and tie, camouflage pants and combat boots. I was a lower GI.

Frankly Frankenstein
Despite his evil reputation, Frankenstein actually had a good sense of humor; he kept his monster in stitches. When the monster rose from the table and spat on the ground, the proud doctor exclaimed, “It’s saliva! It’s saliva!”
Doctor Frankenstein’s assistant, Igor, was also a doctor and together they were a pair o’ docs. When they decided to stop making monsters, Igor found a new job at an auto dealership as parts manager.
Frankenstein has a new ghoul friend. He’d previously dated a lady scarecrow but went from rags to witches.

Short haunts
Girl ghosts go on diets so they can keep their ghoulish figures.
The skeleton didn’t dance at the Halloween party because he had no body to dance with.
Witches think they’re funny because every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Dracula’s wife could never get to sleep because of his coffin.
The game warden arrested the ghost because he didn’t have a haunting license.
The ghost repaired his sheet with a pumpkin patch.
The doctor told the zombie to get some rest because he was dead on his feet.
Witches don’t like to ride their brooms when they’re angry because they’re afraid of flying off the handle.
A boy carried a clock and a bird on Halloween. It was for “tick or tweet.”
Western Union opened an office in a graveyard so the spooks could send and receive crypt-o-gram
One witch told another witch, “I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker.”
People who play the stock market are happy on Halloween because it’s ticker treat night.
The ghost of a door-to-door salesman is always a dead ringer.
One Halloween a kid showed up at our door dressed as an IRS agent. It was very authentic. He took 40 percent of our candy.
At the Halloween ball the ghosts danced sheet to sheet.
Students think their school is haunted. The principal is always talking about the school spirit.

Yummy mummy tales
A number of movies featuring the Mummy have drawn enormous audiences who watch the action in Horrorscope. The Mummy’s mummy was also an entertainer - a famous gauza stripper.
Off the silver screen the Mummy isn’t very popular with the other monsters. They think he’s egotistical because he’s all wrapped up in himself. Being interested in band ages, he loves music, his favorite style being wrap.
He would love to take a vacation at the Dead Sea, but he’s afraid that he’ll relax and unwind too much.
A sign in the Egyptian funeral home says, “Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back!”

A bad spell
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death; we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Oak Run night
We’ve heard tales about Halloween night in Oak Run when mountain lions wander in from the Green Way, coyotes howl and owls keep track of every moving thing by repeatedly asking “who, who.” I will certainly be staying indoors.