Pun Alley 10-28-2011

-A A +A

Haunting and Ghostly stories this weekend

By Dick Frank

Candy corn and other candy packages have taken over an entire aisle and customs fill up most of another aisle in the stores. Wispy appearances of ghosts, globins, and witches seem to be permeating the area.
With Halloween this coming Monday, Pun Alley can’t resist going there for some haunts and ghostly stories.
Actually, “Halloween” is a distortion of its original name. A long ago butcher tradition was to give customers empty sausage skins at the end of October. This day was known as Hollow Weenie Day.

Frankly Frankenstein
Despite his evil reputation, Frankenstein actually had a good sense of humor; he kept his monster in stitches. When the monster rose from the table and spat on the ground, the proud doctor exclaimed, “It’s saliva! It’s saliva!”
Doctor Frankenstein’s assistant, Igor, was also a doctor and together they were a pair o’ docs.
When they decided to stop making monsters, Igor found a new job at an auto dealership as parts manager.
Frankenstein has a new ghoul friend. He’d previously dated a lady scarecrow but went from rags to witches.

Little haunts
People who play the stock market are happy on Halloween because it’s ticker treat night.
During the day baby ghosts go to day scare centers.
There aren’t any famous skeletons because they’re a bunch of no bodies.
You don’t have to be concerned about Daylight Saving Time at Halloween. The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time.
You always find ghouls and demons together because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Programmers get Christmas and Halloween mixed up because 25 DEC equals 31 OCT.
Mummies hide by wearing masking tape.
If you broke your Jack-o-lantern you can fix it with a pumpkin patch.
Two ghosts were arguing. One wanted to do something difficult. The other ghost said, “You don’t stand a man of a chance!”
A boy carried a clock and a bird on Halloween. It was for tick or tweet.
A ghost was assigned to a new territory. After a few days he asked the boss ghost, “Can I go back to my old haunts?”
If you see twin witches you won’t be able to tell which witch is which.
On Halloween, a little boy knocked on John’s door. The boy took a look at John’s wife in her mudpack and gave her his candy.

Pointed advice
“Oh, doctor,” cried a wild-eyed man, “I’m dreadfully afflicted. The ghosts of my departed relatives come and perch on the tops of the fence posts all around my garden when dusk is falling. I can look out any evening and see a couple of dozen spooks sitting on the fence, waiting, waiting, and waiting. What shall I do?”
“Sharpen the tops of the posts,” advised the doctor.

Yummy mummy tales
A number of movies featuring the mummy have drawn enormous audiences who watch the action in Horrorscope. The mummy’s mummy was also an entertainer - a famous gauza stripper.
Off the silver screen the mummy isn’t very popular with the other monsters. They think he’s egotistical because he’s all wrapped up in himself. Being interested in band ages, he loves music, his favorite style being wrap.
He would love to take a vacation at the Dead Sea, but he’s afraid that he’ll relax and unwind too much.
A sign in the Egyptian funeral home says, “Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back.”

Spell time
After a lifetime of hunching over her bubbling cauldron muttering incantations and concocting various enchanted brews, the witch finally came to the realization that she was no longer in her prime. In addition to the pronounced dowager’s hump she had developed, her arthritic feet were an almost constant source of pain and torment for her.
One evening as she began the tedious task of mincing up a fresh batch of bat tongues and newt eyes, an idea suddenly dawned upon her. If she had a smaller, more portable cutting board, she might just as easily process these ingredients in her lap as she was comfortably seated beside her boiling cauldron. “Ah, yes,” She muttered to herself. “It would be nice to be able to sit for a spell.”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.