Pun Alley 10-14-2011

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Some a-maize-ing corn for an October weekend

By Dick Frank

On October weekends two local farms are presenting fun activities for children and adults, offering mazes where you can explore through pathways in the cornfields, as well as farm train rides, pony rides, music and other activities.
Here in Pun Alley we don’t have a corn maze, but rather amazing corn.
I’m reading a murder mystery where they bury the guy in cornstarch. I just got to the part where the plot thickens.
Where did the first corn come from? The stalk brought it.
A girl could be right when she thinks no man is good enough to marry her. She also could be left.
One grasshopper told another about eating corn. It went in one ear and out the other.
He rose through the ranks of the International Corn Growers association, eventually becoming a kernel.
He was a dude before marriage, now he is subdued.
Some hot dogs have meat at one end and cornmeal at the other because it is hard to make both ends meat.
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
A handkerchief is used for cold storage.
If someone breaks his pledge to pay back a loan, is that considered collateral damage?
Old pirates retire and grow corn for a buck an ear.
Rudy was grounded after his dad saw his report card because he went down in history.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
Tom’s a rheumatoid alcoholic. Every night he gets stiff in a different joint.
An arch criminal is one who robs shoe stores.
Is the Origami Society still around? I heard they folded.
But that’s enough corn; lend me your ear and lettuce continue.

Student maze
The fourth floor of the math and computer building at a university is a veritable maze where corridors become offices, and twisting tunnels end in blank doorways. One evening a weary student was looking for one of the elusive stairwells and in frustration, staring at yet another dead end, groaned, “How do I get out of here?”
From across the hall through an open doorway came the response, “Graduate.”

Milking it
After a field trip to a local dairy, the teacher told the class about all of the many products that come from milk, such as butter and cheese. Then she asked if anyone knew how the holes in Swiss cheese were made?
A boy raised his hand and said, “I know, they use hole milk.”

All wet
Two men at a bar began a debate concerning the most impressive river on the globe.
The first man, being an Egyptian, proudly announced that the Nile River was the most impressive. He argued that its origin in the jungles and survival throughout a harsh desert before emptying into the beautiful Mediterranean Sea qualified it on these facts alone. He then added its many years of history to his justification.
An American was his debating partner and argued on behalf of the Mississippi River, which he chose to refer to simply as The Miss. He spoke of the impact this river had on the growth of America, wealth, and diversity. Certainly, this ranked it better than the Nile.
When it looked as though the discussion would never end, a third patron at the bar caught their attention. “You could agree,” he said, “that both rivers are equal to each other. After all, everyone learned a long time ago that the Miss is as good as the Nile.”

Killer maize
In one of our retirement communities a lady called her neighbor and said, “Please help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and can’t figure it out.”
Her neighbor came over, saw the puzzle spread all over the table and asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The silver-haired lady said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
The neighbor studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. Now, let’s put all the corn flakes back in the box.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.