Pun Alley 1-6-2012

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It's Diet Resolution Week

By Dick Frank

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. Since Thanksgiving it’s been an epoch of dinners and parties with alluring food and drink. This week is Diet Resolution Week, a good time for you to think about controlling your figure.
To start you on your way we look at a number of think or slim stories.

It’s Biblical

The Bible class teacher read about the Israelites wandering in the desert. “The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month, until you loathe it.”
When the teacher finished, someone said, “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?”

Trickily thin

After noticing how trim Ruth’s husband had become, a friend asked her how she had persuaded him to diet. Ruth replied, “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”

By the book

After Sylvia took a job at a small publisher, the first books she was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting.
 “Isn’t the market flooded with these types of books?” she asked another editor. “How do we expect to turn a profit?”
“Don’t worry,” he assured her. “These books appeal to a wider audience.”

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A man went on diet and had his now oversized pants fall down as he entered a church. The priest called out, “Repant, repant and thin no more!”
Seconds count, especially when dieting.
Some people are no good at counting calories and have the figures to prove it.
A diet is a weigh of life.
With exercise, I’ve managed to work all the fat from my stomach. It’s all behind me now.
I’m on a garlic diet. I’ve lost 14 pounds and 25 friends.
The toy store sign said, “Don’t feed the animals. They are already stuffed.”
You know you’re dieting when postage stamps taste good.
When you start on a diet, the first thing you lose is your patience.
Police arrested a man after finding a bag of marijuana hidden underneath a roll of fat in his stomach. It was a real a pot belly.
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
It’s time to start dieting when you stop walking and parts of you keep moving.
Diet? It’s easier to put-it-off than to take-it-off.
AT&T and T-Mobile may be getting married. There will be a ceremony but, of course, no reception.
My low-fat diet really works! The fat hangs lower every day.
A diet is a short period of starvation preceding a gain of five pounds.
“How did your wife do with her slimming diet?”
“Fine, she disappeared completely last week.”
Cold, of course
A polar bear went into a restaurant and ordered, “I’ll have a ham …… and cheese ……. sandwich.”
The waiter asked, “Why the long pause?”
The bear replied, “I don’t know. I’ve always had them.”
Don’t monkey around
“The city council is going to get rid of the monkey bars at the elementary school.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Kids shouldn’t drink with monkeys.”

Weighty decision

Lois and her mother were discussing their mutual weight problem one evening, when Lois challenged her to a contest. She said to her mother, “If you lose the most weight in the next month, I will pay you $20. If I lose the most weight, you will pay me the $20.”
“All right, anything for an incentive.” said the mother. “But let’s wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first.”

Dieting made to order

“I believe you are thinner than the last time I saw you, Mrs. Kane. Are you taking treatments or dieting to lose weight?”
“Oh, no, I’m losing weight because of all the trouble I’m having with my new maid.”
“Why don’t you fire her?”
“I’m going to, just as soon as she worries me down another ten pounds.”

Political diet

President Obama recently had a physical exam. His doctor said Obama is physically active, eats a healthy diet, and stays at a healthy weight. So now I’m really starting to doubt whether he was born in this country.
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.