Pun Alley 1-27-2012

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Yo, ho, ho! A pirate's life can be funny

By Dick Frank

On my way to Pun Alley I got shanghaied and wound up in Tampa several days before their Jan. 28 Gasparilla Pirate Fest. An invasion by a fully rigged pirate ship with cannons booming will force the city to surrender and start festivities that culminate with a pirate parade. I managed to get a carrier parrot to bring you the news.

Clean Getaway
One of the first pirates I met was wearing a paper towel on his head. I asked, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”
“Arrr” he replied, “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

A pirate went to the doctor to find out why his waist hurts so much.
The doctor examined him and said, “Captain, my diagnosis is this. You have Hempatitus.”
“Argh, how can this be? I’ve lived a good clean life.”
The doctor replied. “You have Hemp-a-titus. The hemp rope holding up your pants is too tight.”

Pirated Stories
I saw another pirate with a banana on his head. It seems he couldn’t spell bandana.
A small pirate ship is called a thug boat.
A pirate was drafted into the NBA because he had an awesome hook.
Pirates keep parrots on their shoulder by using Polly-grip.
What I can’t understand is how pirates get scurvy with all those Hi-C’s.
Pirates’ favorite kind of cookie is Ships Ahoy.
A pirate’s parrot fell in love with a duck. The parrot kept saying, “Polly wants a quacker.”
A pirate crossed an owl with a billy goat and got a Hootin’ Nanny.
Pirates have comfortable feet because of their booty.
One pirate wrote his wooden leg into his will as a leg-acy.
Some pirates catch their fish by the tale.
Pirates make sure that no one steals their bagels by putting lox on them.
A dry parrot is polyunsaturated.
Pirates can get their ears pierced for a buccaneer.
When the pirate crashed his ship upon an iceberg he said, “Shiver me timbers.”
Pirates’ favorite movie is “Booty and the Beast.”
When the pirate captain’s ship ran aground he couldn’t fathom why.

Shaggy Dog Story
The captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for “Si,” and twice for “No.” After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became the world’s first “Si” and “Aye” dog.

All wet
While in Tampa I heard about a legendary island in the midst of the Florida Keys. Supposedly, this was a source of fresh water for pirates. Boaters, familiar with all the islands in the keys, have never been able to find such an island matching the ancient description.
I think it was somebody in NASA, using satellite photographs, that located a sunken area that surely was an island sometime in the past. Furthermore this area resembled the island’s ancient description. My reaction to this news was simple, “Well isle, be among keys, sunk all.”

Flat Tire
While driving to the Gasparilla Pirate Fest this fellow from Kentucky had a flat tire. He stopped his car; walked up a hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers and then put one flower bouquet in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait for a service vehicle.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious, he stopped and asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I have a flat tarr.”
In response the passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers”?
The man responded, “When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.”

Treasure Hunting
A treasure hunter was diving for pirate treasure in an ocean cove near Harbor Bluffs. After searching for hours with no luck, he started back toward the shore. When he was about knee deep in the water he tripped over an old strong box. Opening it, he found it was full of gold coins. He learned that booty is only shin deep.
Hopefully, when the pirate festival is over, they’ll let me come back home to Pun Alley for next week’s column, and to return to Oak Run where Jane and I live.