Pun Alley 09-30-2011

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Java, Java, Java

By Dick Frank

Yesterday was National Coffee Day. I was out celebrating the whole day drinking coffee at restaurants and coffee shops while keeping my ears cocked to find material for today’s Pun Alley. When I finally came home really wide-awake my wife asked if I would be able sleep after so much coffee.
I said, “It’s no problem; I’ve done this before. I count until three and then I sleep.”
“And that works?” she asked.
“No, sometimes, I count until half past three.”

Divorce liquidity
After suffering through years of his wife’s awful coffee, a man spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man growled, “Here they are!”
“Here are what?” the startled lawyer asked.
The man replied, “Grounds for divorce.”

Lit up
John stayed up half the night studying for his English Literature exam. He drank coffee almost constantly while attempting to read The Canterbury Tales. Early morning his dad woke up and found John studying, and asked, “What have you got there?”
He answered, “Just my cup and Chaucer.”
Getting ahead
A friend was having lunch with his nine-year-old son when the waitress came by to ask if they wanted a drink. “I’ll have a decapitated coffee,” the son said in all seriousness.
The waitress smiled and poured him a cup. Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot and asked, “Can I put a head on that for you?”

Trying times
At a social reception, a lawyer said to a judge, “I see that you are drinking coffee. Why don’t you try something more stimulating? Have you ever tried bourbon?”
“No,” replied the judge, “but I have tried several who have.”

Coffee breaks
Show me an administrative assistant who can’t make coffee, and I’ll show you an employee with grounds for dismissal.
Birds meet for coffee in a nest cafe.
I told my family I never want to depend on a machine and fluids to keep me alive. That’s when they took away my computer, my TV remote and the coffee maker.
The sociologist joined the regulars at the coffee shop to study the counter culture.
Coffee served on The Titanic was Sanka.
I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.
He got fired at the coffee shop for coming to work in a T-shirt.

Regular customer
The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to mine. “Regular?” she asked her customer.
“Yes, thank you,” said the man. “Due to a steady diet of fruit.”

Black results
Even though Clifford was extremely awkward he was very sociable and was always invited to high-society parties.
At one such party he spilled his entire cup of black coffee over his hostess’ evening dress that she had just bought in Paris for a lot of money.
Tearfully gazing at her ruined gown, flushed with anger, she turned on her clumsy guest and exclaimed, “Go, and never darken my Dior again!”

Pointed comment
A husband was throwing knives at his wife’s photo while she was out of town. But none of the knives were hitting the photo. When the wife called up she asked, “Honey, what are you doing?”
Her husband replied. “I’m missing you.”

A man walked into a coffee shop, and was given a huge mug that he took to his table. When he tried to drink it, he found that instead of coffee, the mug contained a pair of beige cotton trousers. So he went to the shop manager to complain. The manager said, “It’s exactly what you asked for,”
“No it isn’t!” said the customer, “How can this possibly be what I ordered?”
“It’s a cup o’ chinos,” the manager replied.

It’s the breaks
Several office people were sitting in the break room having coffee. One of them opened up the newspaper and read everyone’s horoscope. When she finished, a colleague asked her about her beliefs regarding horoscopes. “Gwen,” she said, “Do you really believe in astrology?”
“Oh, no,” Gwen replied. “I don’t believe in any of that stuff. I’m a Capricorn and we’re very skeptical.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.