Pun Alley 09-09-2011

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Stories about grandparents

By Dick Frank

In 1978 Congress passed legislation proclaiming the first Sunday after Labor Day as National Grandparents Day. The day’s purpose is to honor grandparents, to give grandparents an opportunity to show love for their children’s children, and to help children become aware of strength, information, and guidance older people can offer.
Wandering through Pun Alley we run into some funny stories that go along with being grandparents and make us glad we can turn the little darlin’s back to their parents after a day or two.
College Pedigree
A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around Walmart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket, she would say, “And here’s something for you, Diploma” or, “This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma” and so on.
Eventually, a bewildered shopper who had heard all this, finally asked, “Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?”
The grandmother replied, “I sent my daughter to college and this is what she came home with.”
Old Grey Mare Hair
A little girl was watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this for a while and then said, “Momma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Foolproof sign
When Tom’s grandson asked how old he was, Tom teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”
“Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” the grandson advised, “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
Old fables
My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
They say grandchildren brighten up the home. That’s right, they never turn off the lights.
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.
Grandparents are people who come to your house, spoil the children, and then go home.
Joan’s grandkids believe she’s the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, she believes it, too.
If your baby is “beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, and is an angel all the time,” you’re the grandma.
Just about the time a woman thinks her work is done, she becomes a grandmother.
I’ve got nothing against grandkids. I just follow the advice on every bottle in my medicine cabinet, “Keep away from children.”
Among the things that are quite easy, even simple, for a child to operate are the grandparents.
Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.
Would-be boasts
Two little boys were talking. One little boy turned to the other boy and said, “My grandfather has a wooden leg.”
The other little boy replied, “So what? My grandma has a cedar chest.”
Strange view
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse before washing her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious her patience grew thin. Finally, she put a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that?”
“Now, Ms. Lyons,” said the doctor, “you say you have shooting pains in your neck, dizziness, and constant nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?”
“Why, I’m going to be 49 on my next birthday,” the woman replied indignantly.
“Hmmm,” muttered the doctor, “Got a slight loss of memory, too.”
Déjà vu all over again
The daughter said, “I really appreciate you and Dad watching my kids today, Mom.”
Later, Grandma said, “I’m really worn out. I remember being exhausted when our kids were babies. Now, with grandkids, I’m exhausted all over again!”
Grandpa replied, “It’s to be expected. Why do you think they call folks our age re-tired?”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.