Pun Alley 09-01-2017

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The personal labor history of a pun-filled life

By Dick Frank

Labor Day was first celebrated in New York City in 1882 when the Central Labor Union held its first parade to show the spirit of its trade and labor groups. Now Labor Day is largely a time for family togetherness and relaxation with cookouts, barbecues, and leisure activities. The holiday also signals the unofficial end of the summer season.

In honor of Labor Day, I am sharing with you my personal workplace history. My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried working in a donut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.

I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered. I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing. I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered. Next I tried working in a car muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I took a job as an elevator operator. The job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. I sold origami, but the business folded. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job. I took a job at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself. I next worked in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in. They thought I was a loafer, and I got the boot.

I became a Velcro and Crazy Glue salesman, but couldn’t stick with it. I was a professional fisherman, but I couldn’t live on my net income. I became a baker, but it wasn’t a cakewalk, and I couldn’t make enough dough. I thought about being a historian, but I couldn’t see a future in it.

I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way. I became a Hawaiian garland maker, but I got leid off. I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout. I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity and finally withdrew from the job. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it. Then I became a personal trainer in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job. Next I was an electrician, but found the work shocking and revolting, so they discharged me. I became a tennis pro, but it wasn’t my racket; I was too high strung. I tried being a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties, and my class. I turned to farming, but I wasn’t outstanding in my field. Then I was a pilot, but tended to wing it, and I didn’t have the right altitude. I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So I’ve become a pun writer, wound up in the alley, and am managing to take the pun-ishment so far.

The end

“So your husband has got a job at last,” said a neighbor of Mrs. Smith. “Yes, he has,” replied Mrs. Smith. “It is hard work and he says it is killing him. But thank goodness, it’s permanent.”

Not me

“We want a responsible man for this job,” said the employer to the applicant.

“Well I guess I’m just your man,” said the young fellow. “No matter where I worked, whenever anything went wrong, they told me I was responsible.”

Jingly jangle jingly

Joe walked into a bar and said, “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”

The bartender said, “Well, you’re in a really good mood tonight.” Joe replied, “I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I started today.”

The bartender congratulated him and said, “If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck.” Joe looked at the bartender with a wondrous look, pulled a handful of quarters from his pocket, and said, “You mean they’ll pay me too?”