Pun Alley 08-05-2011

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Having a few laughs about your buses

By Dick Frank

The Stuff the Bus Operation comes to Jasmine Square tomorrow with lots of activities for kids and adults. All proceeds will go to the charity. On the way to Jasmine, the bus driver made a stop at Pun Alley and related some stories that have been traveling around on the bus routes.
Capitol offense
A blonde visiting Washington wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”
Much later the policeman returned and found the blonde still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”
Mistaken identity
A young lady schoolteacher boarded a bus, noticed a familiar face across the aisle, and nodded at him. He stared at her blankly, giving no sign of recognition.
Flustered, she called out, “I’m sorry. I thought you were the father of one of my children.”
“Is everyone in the bus?” asked the driver before he closed the door.
“No,” called a lady, “wait until I get my clothes on.” All the passengers in the bus turned towards the door to look at the woman. She got on with a bag full of laundry.
Going nowhere
The mob on an overcrowded bus pushed off a man trying to get on. “There’s no room,” they said. “It’s full up!”
“But you must let me on!” shouted the man.
“Why, what’s so special about you?” they asked.
“I’m the driver,” replied the man.
Bus stops
An obese lady was struggling to get on the bus, when the bus driver said, “You should take yeast; it would help you to rise.”
“Try it yourself,” said the woman. “It would make you better bred.”
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.
A wisecracking kid stepped on a bus one morning and called to the driver, “How about it, Noah, is the Ark full?”
“Come right in,” replied the driver. “We need one more monkey.”
A Catholic church brings their parishioners to services by bus; they call it mass transit.
Teacher: “Tommy, you’re late again.”
Tommy: “Sorry, sir. It’s my bus; it’s always coming late.”
Teacher: “Well, if it’s late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.”
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Bus passenger: “I’d like a ticket to New York, please.”
Ticket seller: “By Buffalo?”
Bus passenger: “Of course not, I’m in the bus queue, aren’t I?”
Don’t argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Passenger: “Will this bus take me to New York?”
Driver: “Which part?”
Passenger: “All of me, of course!”
Cold weather alert
John, a new resident in Alaska, heard a radio advisory stating that anyone traveling in winter conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag; extra clothing, including scarf, hat and gloves; 24 hour supply of food; 5 pounds of rock salt; flashlight with spare batteries; road flares and reflective triangles; tow rope, a five-gallon can of gas, first aid kit and jumper cables. He looked like a complete idiot the first time he got on the bus.
Church rules
A preacher whose congregation usually spurned seats in the front of the church was surprised to see one man, a stranger, in the first row. After the sermon, the pastor asked the man why he sat down in front. The man replied that, being a bus driver, he wanted to find out how the preacher got people to move to the rear.
Wrong destination?
A very drunken disheveled man got on a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and sat next to a woman. She looked the man up and down and said, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man staggered out of his seat and shouted, “Good heavens, I’m on the wrong bus!”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.