Pun Alley 07-01-2011

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Only in America, as we celebrate the Fourth of July

By Dick Frank

Monday is the Fourth of July. Americans will celebrate their independence by enjoying beer imported from Mexico and bratwurst shipped from Germany, and drive their cars made in Korea using gas from Iran to see fireworks made in China.

America is a great country where we just do things differently.

Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America do drug stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions filled while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do banks leave both doors wide-open and then chain pens to the counter.

Only in America do we leave our cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns for them in packages of eight.

Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet Coke.

The traitor

In 1776, after the Americans declared independence from Great Britain, a group of men with serious faces sat in deep discussion long into the night around an oak table at a tavern in Philadelphia.

Suddenly, a man named Tobias Chick jumped to his feet. “Gentlemen, we must speak no more, for there is a traitor in out midst!”

The men looked at each other in shocked disbelief.

“You, Silas Hathwell, do you deny you still hold loyalty to King George III?”

“I do, indeed,” declared Hathwell angrily, “and I’ll see you that you hang, Chick. You’ll all hang, the lot of you!”

“Get him out of here,” another man cried, and Hathwell was carried from the tavern to be dealt with.

“Well, then” one man said with some admiration to the gentleman next to him, “I must concede, that Chick can catch a Tory.”

Crackers and duds

The great thing about the July 4 weekend is that nothing bad can happen. Congress is on vacation.

Old flag makers never die, they just wave bye bye.

Our forefathers resented being ruled by a king with no representation from the people. So, they got together and formed a new nation to be run by lobbyists.

Ducks celebrate the Fourth of July with fire quackers.

In 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made. It was the first flag poll.

Punsylvanians were the colonists who told the most jokes.

Special greetings to all of the seniors celebrating “In Depends Dance Day” this weekend.

The craziest battle of the Revolutionary War was the Battle of Bonkers Hill.

The long Fourth of July weekend serves a great purpose. It gets noise, mayhem, and violence off MTV and back on the streets where it belongs.

The big firework said to the little firework, “My pop is bigger than your pop.”

Our country has changed a lot since 1776. The British taxed paupers like they were millionaires, and today our government taxes millionaires like they were paupers.

What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved.

Because of the Stamp Act the Americans licked the British.

Canada, eh?

Today Canadians celebrate their holiday frequently referred to as “Canada’s birthday.” On this day back in the 1800s, Canada’s founding fathers gathered to discuss and plan independence from England. The issue of what to call this new country naturally came up.

One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. “USA is simple. It’s catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that’s our name. What do you think, eh?”

Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them. “C, eh... N, eh... D, eh.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.