Pun Alley 06-03-2011

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Filled with hot air for National Balloon Day

By Dick Frank

This coming Sunday is National Hot Air Balloon Day, celebrated by enthusiasts filling their balloons with hot air to ascend to new heights and distances. On the ground the day marks an appropriate beginning for hopeful presidential candidates to generate their own hot air.

Up in the air

Somewhere over the Alley a man took off in his hot air balloon and, after drifting for a time, realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 28 and 31 degrees north latitude and between 80 and 83 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the man, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.”

Vibes of all sorts

Many people will spend the summer occupied with fishing and politics. In fishing you use a worm, and in politics a worm uses you.

Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.

At one time Congress had to appropriate funds to pay for replacing steel plates in the Capitol dome. They had been buckled by hot air.

Overheard at a wedding: “They’re so perfect together. She sells balloons and he’s full of hot air.”

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Old balloonists never die; they just get higher and higher.

I stepped into a men’s room once and saw this sign posted over one of those hot air blowers for drying hands: “Push button and listen to a short message from the president.”

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

John was planning to give his girlfriend one of those heart balloons for Valentine’s Day. But she said she didn’t want an angioplasty.

Nothing political is correct.

A good way to raise revenue and still benefit the people would be to tax every political speech made in this country.

Tea party

Some of us old-timers will rememberwhen former Vice-President Hubert Humphrey was inpolitics. The accepted way of meeting prospective voters andcontributors was to organize afternoon teas and servelight refreshments. The idea had been used for a long time, but it wasn’tas effective as it once had been.

Humphrey kept trying new methods. He had a goodfriend in the actor Alan Alda who, in his spare time managed a number ofdifferent entertainment groups. One of the groups was a singing quartet,The Kingsmen.Humphrey employed this singing group, as well as a second Alda group comprised of several beautiful and overly amorous ladies from Norway, to spice up hisparties.But it didn’t work.The newspapers headlined, “Alda’s cling Norses andAlda’s Kingsmen couldn’t put Humphrey’s dumb teas back to gather again.”

Candidate information

The political hopefuls are planning their strategy for the presidential campaign. Right now they must honestly decide on which issues they’re going to be dishonest.

A Texas candidate, speaking of his opponent, said, “That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I’m just the one to do it.”

During a primary campaign in Illinois a candidate touring the rural areas told a crowd, “I am a farmer, just like you men. I can plow, milk cows, shoe horses, harvest crops-do just about anything that needs doing on the farm.”

“Can you lay an egg?” called a man in the audience. Actually many of them do.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.