Pun Alley 05-27-2011

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Having fun with driving

By Dick Frank

The granddaddy of all automobile races, the Indianapolis 500, is this coming Sunday, where the racecars go round and round for 500 miles. It’s symbolic of our own automotive experience where we leave home go out and around back to home, sometimes fighting as much traffic and accidents that the racers see.

Preparation for this year’s race has already seen a number of cars eliminated by mechanical failures and, something new, three were repossessed by Bank of America.

Several women hope to do well in therace. Years ago one of the first lady racers finished third. Experts say she could have finished higher if she hadn’t stopped several times to ask for directions.

This year’s pre-race attendance was up with many ladies sporting necklaces with little racecars on them. They should be more popular on Indy Pendants Day.

Our travel down Pun Alley takes us to our own closer experiences.

Perish the thought

On I-75 a state trooper stopped a car for speeding. The cop approached the car and said to the driver, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”

The guy thought for a few seconds and replied, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back.”

Going to the dogs

During a countywide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a Sheriff’s Deputy signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

“Does your dog have a license?” he asked.

“Oh, no,” the man said. “He doesn’t need one. I always do the driving.”

Can’t avoid it

I was driving along 484 when I saw this field full of cars, trucks, and other assorted metal objects in it. As I got closer, my car suddenly tore off across the field slamming into the junk. When I got out of what had been my car, this old farmer walked up. I asked what would make my car do that, and what is with all this metal junk. “Well, son,” he replied, “You see, this is a magnetic field.”

Lookout for the bull

Walking home from the magnetic field, I saw a sign on a farmer’s fence: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

Short drives

Policeman: “How did the accident happen?”

Driver: “My wife fell asleep in the back seat.”

Cabs lined up at the Dallas airport are known as the yellow rows of taxis.

Jerry: “Are you saving up anything for a rainy day?”

Tom: “Yes, I expect to have enough to buy a new top for my convertible.”

I went to the bank drive-thru in a racecar so I could get some fastcash.

Police Officer: “Why are you driving in a bathing suit?”

Motorist: “I’m in a car pool.”

Someone set the first automobile commercial to music and created the first car tune.

Judge: “You were going one hundred miles an hour. Weren’t you afraid of hitting another car?”

Defendant: “What? On the sidewalk?”

If you’re mad at someone, first let him sit in your car, and then you can belt him.

He nicknamed his mother, who was just learning to drive, “O-ma the Dent Maker.”

John: “Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon.”

Ruth: “Aw, forget it. You can’t believe all you hear about those foreign cars.”

Almost treed

A Sheriff’s Deputy pulled over a car on one of our scenic back roads and approached a blonde driver. “Is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road”?

The driver replied, “Officer, I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, “That’s your air freshener.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.