Pun Alley 05-06-2011

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An amusing look at mothers on their day

By Dick Frank

Sunday is Mother’s Day, a day when we honor and remember our mothers. Now, as we look back we realize that many things about moms were amusing, if not downright funny.

Our amble down Pun Alley starts with good advice mothers gave to their children throughout the centuries.

Paul Revere’s mother: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”

Mona Lisa’s mother: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

Humpty Dumpty’s mother: “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”

Columbus’s mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”

Babe Ruth’s mother: “Babe, how many times have I told you; quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken window this week!”

Michelangelo’s mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

Napoleon’s mother: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”

Abraham Lincoln’s mother: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

Batman’s mother: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

Goldilocks’s mother: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

Little Miss Muffet’s mother: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

Albert Einstein’s mother: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?”

Superman’s mother: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”

Mother’s Adventures

Mother: “Why are you home from school so early?”

Son: “I was the only one who could answer a question.”

Mother: “Oh, really? What was the question?” Son: “Who threw the eraser at the principal?”

The average man’s life consists of 20 years of having his mother ask him where he is going; 40 years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wonder, too.

Mother: “Marie, before you become serious with that boy friend of yours, be sure that he is kind and considerate.”

Daughter: “Oh, I’m sure of that, Mother. Why only the other day he told me that he had put his shirt on a horse that was scratched.”

A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I?”

Thinking this was a new game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?”

“Wow!” cried the boy. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.

Her mother asked, “What’s the matter, honey”?

“Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.”

“Then why are you so sad”?

“Because he’s an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell!”

“Marry him anyway, dear. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is!”

A rabbi said to a precocious 6-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

Wanted Mom

The mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her 6-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia Smith on the line. Will you accept the charges?”

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and screamed, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

I’m sure that many of us have our own pleasant, as well as amusing, memories of our moms. On Sunday, visit or talk with her if possible. If not, spent some time remembering all the things she did for you. Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.