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Pun Alley 04-20-2018

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We survived and we're still pretty smart

By Dick Frank
It took me late on Tuesday to get my income tax return in the mail. All the confusing forms made me feel like an old man. But, wait! I am an old man like many others on the Corridor.
Consider: We were before television, before penicillin, before polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees, and the Pill. We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ballpoint pens. We were before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, and automatic shift. We got married first and then lived together.
In our time, closets were for clothes, not for “coming out of.” We thought a deep cleavage was something a butcher did. We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent. We were before househusbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dual careers. We never heard of FM radio, computer chips, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings.
We hit the scene when there were 5- and 10-cent stores where you bought things for five and ten cents. The ice-cream store sold ice cream cones for a dime. For one nickel you could make a phone call, buy a Coke, or enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy coupe for $590, but who could afford one? And a pity, too, because gas was only ten cents a gallon.
In our day cigarette smoking was fashionable and grass was mowed, Coke was a cold drink at the corner drug store, and pot was something you cooked in. Rock music was a Grandma’s lullaby, and aids were helpers in the cafeteria.
We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change. We made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby. But we survived and we’re still pretty smart! Read the following.

Holding the bag
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. When he went to the checkout line she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $147.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” the clerk said.

Eggin’ her on
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors’ special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $4.99. Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you six dollars and twenty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned.
“You mean I’d have to pay more for not taking the eggs?” My wife asked incredulously.
“Yes” stated the waitress. “I’ll take the special.”
“How do you want your eggs?” “Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

A shell game
A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner in Daytona Beach. One afternoon a well-dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. “How about some nice seashells?” she asked.
“No, thank you,” the man replied. Suddenly the woman clutched her throat, her whole body began jerking, and she fell to the pavement. “What’s wrong?” asked the man.
“I’m going fast,” the old woman gasped. “Please buy some shells.” Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut. The next day the man was in the same neighborhood and saw the woman again vending her wares. “Hey,” he yelled to a nearby police officer, “I thought she passed away yesterday.”
The officer smiled knowingly. “Ah, but you were conned,” he said. “You see, she sells seashells by the seizure.”