Pun Alley 04-01-2011

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No foolin’ … some stories about gasoline prices

By Dick Frank

As wholesale oil prices continue to rise, our gasoline costs go up. Even when oil prices go down our gasoline prices stay up. News sources everywhere are reporting on the effects of this problem. Pun Alley joins in by posting the latest news in today’s column.

The White House has refused to make any comments on the soaring gasoline prices. However the government is willing to help. The Treasury Department just offered to either mail you your income tax refund or they can deposit it directly into your gas station.

The Auto Club reported that rising oil prices caused gas to hit over four dollars a gallon in L.A. It’s nine dollars a gallon in Europe. Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding invitation reads that the bride and groom are registered at Shell, BP and Texaco.

The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil at about one hundred dollars a barrel while home prices collapsed. It’s bad news. Young people won’t believe this, but there was a time in this country when it was cheaper to live in your car than in your house.

The price of oil has been rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin has sent the price of cheese through the roof.

Analysts say food prices may rise due to an increased demand for corn, especially from the ethanol industry. Funny, because my mom always said that too much corn could give you gas, and now I finally realized that she was correct.

President Obama recently spoke with the Amish. He didn’t want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn’t upset about the high price of gas.

Flying saucer

Two space aliens were looking for gas at a reasonable price when they landed at a gas station. They were unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

“Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered.

“Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?”

“Yeah,” repeated the blonde. “So?”

“Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?”

“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?”

The blonde attendant answered, “Good grief, boss! I’ve been working here for five years. Of course I know that ‘UFO’ means ‘Unleaded Fuel Only’.”

Oily comments

Gas is so expensive SUV now stands for sport utility victim.

Ruth’s boy friend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere in the Middle East. So she sent him a “Get Well” card.

When the doctor’s desk chair squeaked he used caster oil.

I bought some tuna at the market today. The tuna can read, “Albacore Tuna packed in oil, compliments of BP.”

Cannibals don’t like filling station attendants because they give them gas.

Given how expensive gas is, today, I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it.

On June 1, 1895, John Campbell invented lubricating oil. Before that, he was just squeaking by.

When John got home last night, his wife demanded that he take her to someplace expensive. He took her to a gas station. That’s when the fight started.

Good exercise

“Doctor,” said the patient, “I must say you kept your promise when you said you’d have me walking within two months.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” replied the doctor warmly.

“Yes sir,” said the patient, “When I got your bill I had to sell my car.”

It’s A Gas

I was driving on 484 and ran out of gas. Just then, a bee flew in my window and said, “What seems to be the problem?”

“I’m out of gas.”

The bee flew away. Minutes later, a swarm of bees flew to my car and into the gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. “Try it now,” said one bee.

I turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

“Wow!” I exclaimed. “What did you put in my gas tank”?

The bee answered, “BP.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.