Pun Alley 03-11-2011

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Some Irish fun as holiday approaches

By Dick Frank

In 1737, Irish immigrants began observing St. Patrick’s Day in Boston and held the first Parade in New York City in 1766. Now, the tradition continues with almost everybody wearing green, being honorary Irish, and eating corned beef and cabbage.

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day on this coming Thursday, Pun Alley is decked out in green and has some Irish fun.

St. Patrick’s Day gift

O’Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a fake diamond. When she showed it to her father, a jeweler, he immediately saw it wasn’t real.

The young lass, on learning this, returned to her future husband and protested about his cheapness.

“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham rock.”

Cut up

Thetraveling show had a knife-throwing act and Mulligan went twiceto see the fascinating spectacle. When Flaherty told him that he was going, he said, “Don't, you’ll be wasting your money.”

“How’s that?”

“He has rotten aim. He keeps missing her.”

Leprechaun’s justice

The golf course was haunted by a malicious leprechaun who exploited the poorer players. He slipped up beside one unfortunate man who was struggling in a club competition.

“Look,” he said, “if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry I'll help you win.”

“Done,” shouted the young golfer.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse changing and receiving the congratulations of the members the leprechaun popped up on the shelf in the locker room.

“Hey,” said the little elf, “I need your name for my records. What is it?”

“Father Murphy,” grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

Leprechaun Tales

Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument when one of them lost his temper and shouted, “Sir you are the biggest fool that I have ever set eyes on.”

“Order, order,” said the judge. “You seem to forget that I am in the room.”

The Irish water polo team had a disaster. All their horses drowned.

The druggist was very polite to a lady when she selected fancy soap. “Madam,” he asked, “do you want it scented or unscented?”

“I’ll take it with me, sir," she said, “if you don’t mind.”

Cop: "What's your name?"

Truck Driver: "'Tis on the side o' me wagon.

Cop, trying to read name: "It's obliterated."

Truck Driver: “Yer wrong. 'Tis O'Brien."

The Irish boomerang doesn’t come back; it just sings songs about how much it wants to.

“What's wrong with Murphy?” asked Father Green.

“I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,” said Mrs. Murphy.

On St. Patrick’s Day everyone is jealous of the Irish; they’re green with envy.

“Would you buya raffle ticket for a poor widow?”

“Deed won't. What would I do with her if I won?”

The dentist was shocked by Mikeen's teeth. “From now on,” he said, “you'll have to brush them often and use toothpaste.”

“Toothpaste, is it? Sure there's not one of them loose.”

Irish romance

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. They sat in the parlor of the girl’s house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn’t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, “What’s that young fella doin’ here all hours of the night?”

“Why, Dad,” said Frances, “Michael was just telling me everything that’s in his heart!”

“Well, next time,’ roared Phelan, “just let him tell you what’s in his head, and it won’t take half as long!”

Proud mothers

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.

Kate said, “My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard and hasn't smoked for months now.”

Lorna responded, “Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” said Kate, “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” announced Lorna, “And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.