Pun Alley 02-25-2011

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A different look at the film industry

By Dick Frank

Culminating a monthlong hype about best movies, best actors, best producers, etc., the 83rd Academy Awards will be on Sunday when movie lovers will tune in to watch the glamorous ceremony and learn who will receive the highest honors in filmmaking.

Ignored by all the mainline publicity, some stories of interest to Pun Alley readers have percolated to the surface.

Musical chairs

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, who were all present. Spielberg gave them a list of composers and said he would allow each actor to select the composer to play.

Stallone started, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.”

“Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,” said Willis. “I’ll play him.”

“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Seagal. “I’d like to play him.”

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. “Sounds splendid.” Then, he asked Schwarzenegger, “Who do you want to be?”

Schwarzenegger said, “I’ll be Bach.”

Can’t see it

A script was submitted to a producer. He took one quick look at the title and handed it back to the author with a sorrowful smile.

The author was puzzled. He said, “But you didn’t read it!”

The producer replied, “The title, ‘The Optimist,’ You and I know what it means but how many of them thick skulls out in front will know it’s a eye doctor?”

Precious opinion

The Hollywood magnate told an assistant that in his opinion a certain writer was the only man for a film they had under consideration. The assistant was doubtful. “Don’t you think, perhaps he’s a little too caustic?” he suggested.

“I don’t care how much he costs,” demanded the producer. “Get him!”

Short takes

Horses may get into the movies, but they’re usually saddled with the bit parts.

A mother and daughter were watching a 1930s film on TV. As it ended with the usual romantic clinch and fadeout of that era, the teenager said, “Gosh, Mom, your movies ended where ours begin.”

The novelist got the idea for his second novel from the screen version of his first one.

John- “So the marriage of those two movie stars has been called off, eh!”

Ruth- “Yes, they couldn’t agree as to whose name should be first on the wedding invitations.”

A family went to watch a 007 movie at the theater. It was a Bonding experience.

Producer- “Our last picture was a super production.”

Critic- “I thought it looked as if a super had produced it.”

They say the Golden Globes predict the Academy Awards, and I think that’s true - long and boring.

“Secretariat” actually got his own postage stamp in 1999. And coincidentally, he was also the glue on the back of it.

Income from horror movies is gross profit.

“The Social Network” is the story of nerdy guys who created Facebook; but it is a bit far-fetched. In several scenes, they actually talk to girls.


Never-ending proposals

The movie actor who had been divorced four times proposed again.

“Why, I rather like you, John,” said the young woman, “but, you see, I’ve heard so many things about you.”

“My dear,” interrupted the much-married actor, “You really must not believe these old wives’ tales.”


Two mice in a movie studio warehouse were looking for food when one heard the other chewing. “What did you find?” he asked.

“I am not sure,” was the answer. “It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see. Ah, yes, it is from ‘Gone with the Wind.’”

“And how is it?”

“Nothing much. The book was better.”

California happenings

Arnold Schwarzenegger said that counting expenses and lost income from acting in Hollywood films, serving as California governor probably cost him at least $200 million, Which alas is nothing compared to what it cost the state. “The Expendables” led the box office for the second straight week with a take of $17 million. In it, Schwarzenegger gives the second greatest performance of his life; the first one got him elected governor of California.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.