Pun Alley 02-06-2015

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Out of this world golf stories

By Dick Frank

Astronaut Alan B. Shepard, was a dedicated golfer. As commander of Apollo 14, America’s third lunar landing, he was the fifth person to do a moon walk.
  On this day in 1971 Shepard did some golfing on the moon with a six-iron head attached to a lunar sample scoop handle. Despite thick gloves and a stiff spacesuit which forced him to swing the club with only one hand, he struck two golf balls, driving the second, as he put it, “miles and miles and miles.”
  Although Shepard hit those two golf balls in moon gravity, about one-sixth of earth’s, they did not go miles and miles and miles. He later admitted they went about 200 to 400 yards.
  Using Shepard’s wild tale as the launching point, Pun Alley blasts off with some out-of-this world golf experiences.
  A golfer said to his friend, “You know how late it was when we left the clubhouse yesterday? Well, when I got home my wife didn’t say a word about me being late. She had dinner waiting for me and after that she wouldn’t even let me help with the dishes. She made me sit in the living room and she brought my slippers and told me to be comfortable while I watched golf on the TV.
  “How much damage had she done to the car?”
Religious golf
  A young man and a priest were playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asked, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”
  The young man replied, “An 8-iron, Father. How about you?”
  The priest said, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”
  The young man hit his 8-iron and put the ball on the green. The priest topped his 7-iron and dribbled the ball out a few yards.
  The young man said, “I don’t know about you, Father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”
Say What?
  The young honeymooners were out on the golf course, and the groom was explaining the basics of the sport to his bride.
  “Tee the ball,” he instructed.
  “There’s no need for baby talk,” she huffed.

Short Putts
  I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.
  Golfers would wear wrinkled clothes if it weren’t four irons.
  I have a golf moth in my closet. It makes eighteen holes in one day.
  He wanted desperately to be a good golfer. He had a driving ambition.
  The Scots invented golf, which might explain why they invented Scotch.
  He would promise to play golf, but he didn’t know how to follow through.
  I bought a dozen golf balls the other day. The clerk asked, “Shall I wrap them up?”
  I said, “No, I’ll drive them home.”

Off course
  After a particularly poor game the golfer was walking to the parking lot when a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about 20 minutes ago?”
  “Yes,” the golfer responded.
  “Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”
  “Yes, I did. How did you know?”
  “Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield.
 The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”
  The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Good advice
  Two ants lived in an anthill on the first tee of a golf course.
One day an inept golfer took a swing, missed the ball, and lifted a huge chunk of sod far into the air. As the ants watched, he swung again and sent a divot flying, which almost struck the ants.
  As the duffer prepared to take his third swing, one ant turned to his companion and said, if we want to get out of this alive, we’d better get on the ball.