Pun Alley 01-07-2011

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Celebration of Life Week ends in Pun Alley

By Dick Frank

Today marks the end of Celebration of Life Week, sponsored and promoted by the International Society of Friendship and Good Will. After the festivities of the holidays and the letdown of returning to work, take time to be joyful and celebrate life. I hope you’ll like some of today’s Pun Alley stories.

Best wishes?

This guy was walking along the beach when he came across an old oil lamp. When he buffed it a genie appeared. The genie was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

“I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates.”

The genie said, “You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What’s your second wish?”

“I want the most expensive Porsche made with the finest audio system possible.”

“That’s easy,” the genie replied. He waved his hand and a Porsche appeared.

When the genie asked the guy for his third wish, the guy hesitated and finally said, “I can’t think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.”

“This is most unusual. But I can’t escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you’re ready,” and the genie disappeared into the lamp.

The guy placed the lamp on the passenger’s seat of the Porsche. He turned the radio on and made adjustments to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, and then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly.

The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. “Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener.”

How’s that?

Joan had just moved to an address between Sunrise Avenue and Sunset Boulevard, one of Sacramento’s major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where her home was .

“I live between Sunrise and Sunset,” Joan told her.

“Oh, honey,” the clerk knowingly replied, “we all do.”

Bits and pieces

I know of a man who spent his entire adult life collecting memorabilia about Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale. Apparently, he was a heroine addict.

A boy told his parents he wanted to raise goats for a living, but he was only kidding.

There is not a man in the country that can’t make a living for himself and family. But, he can’t make a living for them and his government, too, not the way this government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people (Will Rogers).

The cattle rancher believed birds bothered the cattle so he destroyed their habitats and lived his life with no egrets.

Life is a matter of ups and downs -- keeping appearances up and expenses down.

There are more important things in life than money, but they won’t go out with you if you’re broke.

“I really don’t ask much in life,” said the pretty young woman. “All I want is a nice man to love and understand me. Is that too much to expect of a millionaire?”

Smart move

A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. While apartments were large enough, the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment. After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question: “How many children do you have?” The father answered with a deep sigh, “Seven, but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.” He got the apartment.

Look out

A man had his first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he was there, the man said, “Doctor, I’m tired of being on the outside looking in.”

“Well,” responded the doctor, “sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let’s get a few basic facts first.”

What do you do for a living?” The patient said, “I’m a window washer.”

Shake up

A California couple had another small earthquake and the wife was freaking out as usual. “Did you feel that?” she yelled, “Another earthquake! I hate living here!”

Her husband shrugged and said, “Don’t blame me. It’s not my fault!”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.