Pun Alley 01-01-2016

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Wake up and smell the roses

By Dick Frank

Happy New Year! Today many probably got up to a spouse saying, “Wake up and smell the roses; the Rose Bowl Parade is on.” After a night of celebrating the coming of 2016, perhaps with Four Roses, wandering down Pun Alley for some New-Year humor may be the best way to recover from a hangover.

Good, so far
I haven’t gossiped; I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

‘Tis the Season
At the typical New Year’s Day gathering, Mom always yells, “Get out of my kitchen!”
The grown kids yell at their tiny offspring, “Stop running! You’ll break Grandma’s furniture!”
Dad yells, “Get out of the way! I can’t see the football game on TV!”
The little ones yell, “It’s my toy! Let me play with it!”
That’s why this time of year is known as the “Holler Day Season.”

A New Year’s wish
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
It turned out rather embarrassing. As the clock struck midnight the bartender was almost crushed to death.

North Pole activities
After Christmas, Santa and his reindeer got time for a rest. This gave Rudolph a chance to do something he had wanted for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the other reindeers.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgical procedure, and since that time, January 1 has been celebrated as New Ears Day. I think I heard that right.

All welcome
The New Year’s Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before something dawned on him. “You know,” he confided to his host, “I wasn’t even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my driveway.” The guest continued, “My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved.”

When they were late to the party, they were beaten to the punch.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. I’ll remember 2015 just like it was yesterday.
Gene drinks a toast on holidays, “Here’s to our holidays, all 366 of them!”
Just heard that in 2016 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. Many have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.
The satellite went into orbit on January 1st causing a new year’s revolution.
Socialized Medicine is women at a party talking about their operations.
My New Year’s resolution is 1580 x 1050.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

“I think women get more excited about New Year’s Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year’s Eve? You drink too much and make a lot of promises you don’t keep. You see, men do that all the time, it’s called dating.”

Wrong Way
A very drunken man got on a city bus early New Year’s morning, staggered up the aisle, and sat next to an elderly woman. She looked the man up and down and said, “I’ve news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumped up out of his seat and shouted, “Good heavens, I’m on the wrong bus.”

Pun Alley resolution
This column would not be complete without some New Year’s resolutions. I recommend that you resolve to have more fun and laughs in the coming years. I resolve to try to help this along with Pun Alley every week.