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I won a Facebook drawing!

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By David Davis

It was unimaginable that Facebook founder and CEO Mark E. Zuckerburg would send me an email. Oh, it’s no surprise that he knows my email address. He probably knows the email address of everyone on earth. Still, the idea that he would ever send me an email instead of sending me an instant message on Facebook was unfathomable, yet there his name was in my inbox in bold, capitalized letters “MARK E. ZUCKERBERG.”

The fact that his name was in all caps seemed reasonable because surely, he has a large ego. I didn’t click on the message right away. I let the suspense build as I made myself a cup of coffee and thought about it. Then, I remembered another email that appeared several weeks ago in my email from a DNA testing company that revealed to me the Zuckerberg, Walton, Gates and Buffet families were related to my family.

Reasoning that as many Davises as there are in the world, it didn’t seem outside the realm of possibility that all of us were related, especially since DNA is based on science, the intertwining of those surnames with mine seemed as much of a surety as climate change.

Hurriedly, I ran from the kitchen to the home office-computer room, leaping over the ottoman with better form than O.J. Simpson running through Hertz rental car commercials in the mid-70s. Unfortunately, I’m not nearly as nimble and it takes less distance to turn an aircraft carrier at flank speed than it did for me to make the turn through the door leading to the office. One of these days, I will have that door replaced.

After regaining consciousness, I assured the EMT’s I was OK and wobbled to my computer chair, sat down in front of my computer desk and with great anticipation, logged on to my computer, opened the email client, and then with a mouse pointer I could barely keep steady with my trembling hand, clicked on the message.

The writer seemed foreign, as if he or she is enrolled in EFL (English as a Fifth Language) class. In part, this is what the letter said:

“We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the 13th of JUN 2018 by Facebook group in cash promotion to encourage the usage of Facebook worldwide. Your name was among the 20 lucky winners who won $650.000.00USD. ... all participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 20,000 companies and 30,000,000 individuals email addresses from all over the world. ... There are some scam artists around but thanks to the FBI, 216 of them have been arrested."

The writer asked for a great deal of personal information that I hesitated to give to Cousin Mark, but after much thought, it occurred to me that poor Mark would have better command of the English language had he not dropped out of college.

So, let this be a lesson to all young people -- stay in school or grow up illiterate.