Fill ‘er up with high octane puns

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By Dick Frank

Our travel down Pun Alley last week took us to Lovers’ Lane for Valentine’s Day. Our heart was racing so fast we completely missed annual Speed Week at Daytona, where racecars went round and round for a whole week, ending on Feb. 15 with a 500-mile race.

We may be late but we’ll make a pit stop in Pun Alley to see if we can find a racy story or two.

A senior Corridor resident was dodging traffic on S.R. 200 when his cell phone rang. He answered to hear his wife warn, “Be careful. The TV traffic report says there is a car going the wrong way on State Road 200.”

“Heck,” the geezer exclaimed, “there’s more than one. I see hundreds of them!”

Fast Talker

The woman who was driving 60 mph down the interstate while using her cell phone was talking a mile a minute.


Child psychologists say the modern child treats his parents with awe. It’s always, “Aw, why can’t I have the car?” or “Aw, why can’t I have a bigger allowance?”

200 Syndrome

A policeman saw a car puttering along at 17 mph creating a traffic backup. He stopped it and noticed five old ladies, two in the front and three in the back, eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, “Officer, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replied, “you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can be dangerous to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she said, “I was doing the speed limit, 17 miles an hour!”

The officer explained that 17 was the highway number on the sign, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman thanked him for pointing out her error.

The officer asked, “Is everyone in the car okay? The women seemed awfully shaken and didn’t utter a single peep.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 200.”


When asked if the car’s blinker was on, the blonde said, “It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off.”

Change my auto license from 1975 to 1976. I just hit another man.

Famous racecar driver Richard Petty once got caught stealing; cops called it petty theft.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

I got stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile per hour zone. I got off. I told them I had dyslexia.

If you don’t like the way women drive, get off the sidewalk.

A mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

Even when a racecar goes backward, it is still spelled racecar.

If your wife wants to learn to drive the car, don’t stand in her way!

Something Smells

News has come from Indiana about the air pollution caused by cars at the Indianapolis 500 auto race. Residents living near the track complained about the noise and pollution caused by the cars.

During the race they were rarely able to emerge from their homes without being assaulted by noxious fumes filling the air. Finally these residents had had enough, and they filed a suit against the Raceway for Indy scent exposure.

Age-Old Problem

It is a strange but mathematical fact that when a 17-year-old boy borrows the family car, he can, in one night, subtract five years from the life of the car and add them to the age of his father.

Going Nowhere Fast

A couple was debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip in and out of traffic.

He would have settled on an old truck, but everything she wanted was out of their price range.

“Look!” She said, “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!”

He did – he bought her a new bathroom scale.

It’s time for me to stomp on the bathroom scale to see how fast it goes to 180. Send your puns and other good humor to me at dickspuns@yahoo.com or via snail mail to The Citizen. Dick and his wife, Jane, race around Oak Run.