Alley serves up 100-proof puns

-A A +A
By Dick Frank

On this day in 1920, the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, prohibiting the sale of alcoholic beverages, went into effect. During Prohibition the manufacture, transportation, import, export, and sale of alcoholic beverages were restricted or illegal.

Prohibition was supposed to lower crime, reduce social problems, lower taxes needed to support prisons and poorhouses, and improve health and hygiene. Instead, alcohol became more dangerous to consume, organized crime blossomed, courts and prisons systems became overloaded, and endemic corruption of police and public officials occurred.

So we’ll have a double-shot of rye – humor that is – as we fall off the wagon and stumble over a pun or two.

Higher Math

A college mathematics professor did not want to give up his drinking, so he made a still of astounding construction. The alcohol boils through old magnetic coils; he said that it’s “proof by induction.”

Sobering Deduction

A chemistry professor wanted to teach students a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “Now, class, closely observe the worms,” said the professor while putting one wiggler into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and responded confidently, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

Short Shots

Of course the sale of liquor was banned on military reservations during Prohibition. That makes sense. Who wanted to see the bases loaded?

During Prohibition mice and rats went to squeakeasys to drink.

A Kansas farmer had stored a lot of printed Prohibition literature in his barn. The milk cows got in and ate all the pamphlets. As a result every cow in the herd went dry.

Well known for his imbibing, W. C. Fields said, “Once during Prohibition I was forced to live on nothing but food and water.”

A Liquid Market

After Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available, the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

Last summer President Bush stated that our economic woes are because “Wall Street got drunk.” In reaction to those comments, shares of liquor and wine stocks went up 15 percent.

Just last Dec. 6 marked the 75th anniversary of the repeal of Prohibition. And thanks to Wall Street, many had the best reason to get drunk in 75 years.

High Court

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, “Order, order.”

The drunk immediately responded, “Thank you, your honor, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”

Matter of Opinion

A drunk went to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. “I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I’m not sleeping. What is it, Doc?”

The doctor examined him thoroughly and said, “I can’t find anything wrong. It must be the drinking.”

“Fair enough,” replied the lush, “I’ll come back when you sober up.”

Medi Care?

Researchers recently found that men over 65 five years of age, who are moderate drinkers, are healthier than men who don’t drink. Liquor stores aren’t happy. They’re not equipped to deal with a $5 co-pay for Old Granddad.


A very thirsty man went into a bar. As he waited to get the bartender’s attention, a regular sitting next to him called out, “I’ll have another waterloo.” The bartender gave the regular a tall ice cold drink and asked the newcomer what he would like.

The thirsty man pointed to the man next to him and said, “That looks great. I’ll have what he’s having, a waterloo.” So the bartender brought the newcomer a tall ice cold drink.

The man took a long deep drink and called out, “Hey! This isn’t any good. It tastes just like water!”

The regular bar patron sitting next to him said, “It is water, buddy. That’s all I drink,” He turned to the bartender and said, “Right, Lou?”

I think Lou has the right idea; there’s nothing so refreshing as a nice tall ice cold drink of water and it has no calories. Dick welcomes your puns and jokes. Send them to dickjfrank@yahoo.com or to the Citizen via snail mail. Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.