• Christopher Columbus may have been the greatest politician of all time. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was.
    While there he decimated the well being of the majority of the population. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money. Today’s politicians are trying to outdo him. Nevertheless, on Monday we celebrate Columbus Day.

  • I have read of people who testified to the fact that they have had an out-of-body experience. After meeting some of these people I can understand why they would want to abandon their body if only for a moment. My question is, why did they return? Whether this was a real experience or not, only their hairdresser knows for sure.
    I have made it one of the primary purposes of my life to stay in my body as long as I live. In fact, I have so developed my body so that there is ample room for my La-Z-Boy chair and me. I like to be comfortable.

  •  Scrumptious! Delicious! Succulent! Mouth-Watering! These were some of the words that were used to describe the barbecued baby rack ribs that the Rotary Club of Ocala Southwest offered to the community last April. Before cooking, the ribs undergo a dry rub, imparting a flavor that can only be described as heavenly. Rotary President Herb Silverman says that the ingredients of the savory dry rub are a secret that’s as closely guarded as the Coca Cola recipe. You’ll need to eat the Rotary’s baby back ribs to experience the great taste.

  • It arrived the other day. Very, innocuous looking white envelope, the kind we call a #10. Plain black block lettering with my name on in: Judith C. Siegal. It was official all right; nobody calls me Judith except doctors who don’t know me well. The contents struck a chord with me because it has to do with a landmark age-related rite of passage.

  • I must be the only one in this world of ours that truly appreciates quietness. Maybe it’s old-age stomping its tired old boots, but I think the world has gotten just a little bit noisier. As I got older, I thought my hearing would begin to diminish. I assure you, I am hearing more today than I have ever wanted to hear in all my life.
    I remember my grandfather and his hearing aid. When there was a family gathering and he was sitting quietly smiling, I came to understand he had turned his hearing aid off. How I envy him now. If only I could turn my hearing aid off.

  • Yesterday was National Coffee Day. I was out celebrating the whole day drinking coffee at restaurants and coffee shops while keeping my ears cocked to find material for today’s Pun Alley. When I finally came home really wide-awake my wife asked if I would be able sleep after so much coffee.
    I said, “It’s no problem; I’ve done this before. I count until three and then I sleep.”
    “And that works?” she asked.
    “No, sometimes, I count until half past three.”

    Divorce liquidity

  • Fall is coming. Actually a lot of falls have just started and more are coming. Football season has started with college, high school, and exhibition professional games already being played for several weeks.
    Follow the ball as it gets passed down Pun Alley’s own football field. We make it through the goal posts and sometimes the pun police throw the flag.

    Backfield in motion

  • It is 5772 (well, almost!) and in a few days, Jews all over the world will be ushering in a New Year. This year, the holidays come later (last year Rosh Hashanah was two days after Labor Day) and the first day of the New Year is actually in the seventh month of the year! How can this be? And how can this be 5772 when most calendars record the year as 2011? The answers to these questions lie in the calculation of the Jewish calendar and its fascinating history.

  • As I was listening to the president give his speech on the country’s economy last week I was simultaneously trying to balance my checkbook. Math was never my strong suit. In fact, when it comes to math, I do not wear a suit at all. I would wear my birthday suit but it is too wrinkled and believe me, spandex is stretching it too much.
    Oddly enough, my checkbook balance is never the same as the balance on the statement from the bank. My bank’s haughty assumption is that they are right and I am wrong.

  • The Rotary Club of Ocala, the city’s longest established Rotary Club (chartered in 1919) has recognized this opportunity to help the children of Ocala and has agreed to partner with the city of Ocala to provide the funds that will be used to provide physical and program improvements to the Discovery Science Center at 701 N.E. Sanchez Ave.
     Plans include installing an elevator in the building to facilitate access to the 2nd floor and to redesign the 2nd floor as a science hall that will have traveling exhibits as well as meeting and classroom space.

  • In marking the 10th anniversary of one of the most horrific events in the history of the United States, one cannot help but reflect back on the past decade. We have come a long way, but I am wondering if we have gone the right way.
    My wife and I were thinking about this the other night and she startled me with a question. Most of the time she just startles me, but this time she had substance in the form of a question.
    “I wonder,” she said rather thoughtfully, “where all the heroes are today?”

  • In 1978 Congress passed legislation proclaiming the first Sunday after Labor Day as National Grandparents Day. The day’s purpose is to honor grandparents, to give grandparents an opportunity to show love for their children’s children, and to help children become aware of strength, information, and guidance older people can offer.
    Wandering through Pun Alley we run into some funny stories that go along with being grandparents and make us glad we can turn the little darlin’s back to their parents after a day or two.
    College Pedigree

  • I cannot speak for anybody else; in fact, I have a hard enough time speaking for myself. Thankfully, I have those who have volunteered to speak on my behalf on a variety of issues. This has been good, relieving me the necessity of expressing myself. But, as people keep telling me, all things must end sometime.
    As far as I am concerned, I have had enough. There is absolutely no use in trying to talk me out of it; I have had enough.

  • Labor Day, celebrated since 1882, signifies the end of summer for those who live up north where the weather has already started cooling off. For us it’s a long weekend away from work where we can relax at the beach or join in some fun activities. Make reading Pun Alley one of these fun activities.
    A raise from the boss
    The nagging wife told her husband that he had not been sufficiently explicit with the boss when he asked for a raise.

  • Recently, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and Yours Truly upgraded our lives with cell phones. Up to this time, I just assumed the cell phone was what a prisoner used..
    My wife and I dragged our feet for a long time until we finally took the plunge. Both of us finally went to the cell phone store and signed up for cell phone service. She picked out a phone for her and then picked up another phone and turned to me and said, “I think this will suit you.”

  • By now you should have noticed those large yellow vehicles. Yep, school started last Monday. It’s time to be extra careful as you drive. Watch out for school buses stopping and starting, as well as for children crossing roads and streets.
    The buses have been taking a short cut through Pun Alley to drop off some stories.
    No more
    After the first few days of school the boy said to his mom, “Teacher asked me if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.”

  • On Sept. 10, the On Top of the World Lions Club in cooperation with the Ocala West United Methodist Church, will engage in diabetes screening for adults and eye screening for children ages 1 to 6.
    The event will take place between 7:30 and 9:30 a.m. at the church, 9330 S.W. 105th St.
    At the same time the church members will be selling their first seasonal breakfast.
    The treatment of vision impairment and its prevention is paramount to the mission of Lions Clubs.

  • The Nature Coast All Veterans Reunion needs vendors of all kinds, and sponsors, for the weekend of Oct. 7 to Oct. 9. Food, crafts, merchandise, etc. Sites start at $175 for a 10-by10-foot space, including a refundable $50 cleanup fee. Larger sites available. Deadline is Aug. 31.

  • A friend of mine said to me recently, “Old boy, how’s it feel to be a member of the Over-the-Hill gang?” I mumbled something as politely as I could, but on the inside, I was a little furious. I may be getting older, but I definitely am not old! In fact, I plan to get older every day.
    Once I got my blood pressure under control, I looked into this a little more closely. I am not quite sure I want a membership in such an organization. I checked out the dues and I am not quite sure I am up for it.