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Features

  • Freedom Public Library invites all tweens, grades 4 thru 6, on a Magical Mystery Tour of the new virtual library to “Break the Code” on Wednesday, Sept. 16 and Nov. 4, from 3 to 4 p.m. in the computer lab.

    According to library supervisor Heather Ogilvie, “We are seeking a select group of students to participate on a team of research detectives and unravel a library mystery.”

  • A while back I was getting a haircut when I noticed several copies of the Citizen lying around. I asked Larry, my barber, if he reads Pun Alley. It turns out he reads the puns and jokes, but didn’t remember the Pun Alley name. I told him he now has to read it every week. Today’s column is for him.

    Don’t pin me down

  • Last Tuesday I was sulking around the house complaining about the passing of the summer and how it goes by so fast. Personally, I think I have a right to complain in my own house. After all, I pay the mortgage, the taxes and the utilities, that is, when I think of it. The only thing I do not pay, is attention to the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage, which has cost me a lot more than the mortgage, taxes and utilities put together.

  • I was frantically searching for something I desperately needed when I stumbled upon something I had long ago forgotten. I am always trying to find something that I know where it is but I just cannot put my fingers on it at the moment. It is not that my office is messy and disorganized; I just have a very complicated filing system. It is so complicated that most times I do not understand it myself.

  • Recent news reports show that the building industry is starting to show signs of recovery. Our thoughts turn to the workers who play the most prominent part in this. It’s an appropriate time because Monday is Labor Day, a day dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers.

    The Beginning

    A builder, an electrician, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest. The builder pointed out proudly that the first thing God had done was to build the earth.

  • It’s that time of year again. The children are back in school, activities have resumed and here in Florida, people are “watching the tropics” and hoping the next named storm passes us by. It is also the time of friendly gatherings and back yard barbecues and the end of the summer holiday called Labor Day, observed in honor of the working man and woman.

  • You know what it’s like to play or work hard outside on a hot summer day. You sweat, you get thirsty and you may take breaks in the air conditioning to get cool. Now, take that hot summer day and add a fire that can reach temperatures of 500 degrees. Next, add 70-80 pounds of equipment and insulated bunker gear. Now, run into that fire, wearing the bunker gear, and find the only place to get cool is outside the fire in the nearly 100 degree summer temperatures.

  • Summer has a peculiar way about it. It takes its time in getting here and then gets out of town as soon as possible before people realize it is gone. This has happened this year for me.

    I have waited all winter and spring for summer to get here. Now, just as I am getting adjusted to the good old summertime it is about to move on. Consequently, I would like to put in a protest. People are protesting about everything these days so I want to put in my protest about the fading summer.

  • School days, school days, good, old Golden Rule days. They’re back again! Kids, with their backpacks and lunches, are on those big yellow vehicles. It’s important for everyone to watch out for these buses stopping and starting, as well as for children crossing roads and streets. Already, the bus drivers have dropped off some tales in the Pun Alley mailbox.

    Help!

    On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up 2 fingers.”

  • August and September mean back to school for most youngsters. At the library it means S.U.R.F.’s Up, or Super Ultimate Reading Fun. With this entertaining program’s theme, Stop, Drop, and Read, kids and parents alike enjoy a brief burst of spontaneous learning in ten terrific minutes. Join the fun on Wednesdays at 3:30 p.m. and help us prove once again that every moment in the library counts.

    Friends of the library need your help

  • Investment planning during retirement is not the same as investing for retirement and, in many ways, is more complicated. Your working years are your saving years. Typically, a worker’s main source of income is from wages. Wage earners experience some protection against inflation by receiving a raise in pay periodically. Their retirement objective is to grow retirement savings as much as possible. To that end, and because they have time to recover from losses, workers are able to put some money in higher risk investments.

  • Perhaps the most familiar symbol of Judaism is the Star of David (magen david) but in actuality is has only been so since the Middle Ages. The symbol of the two triangles fused in two different directions has a fascinating history and its origin is shrouded in myth and mysticism.

  • Forty years ago today, Hawaii became the 50th state in the Union. It displaced Key West as having the most southern point in the United States. It’s not surprising that many don’t know where Hawaii is.

    One man who had driven through all 49 states wanted to drive to Hawaii. Arriving in California he was disappointed to find it impossible. Despondently he wandered along a beach, found a bottle and rubbed it. A genie appeared and said, “I will grant you one wish, but only one.”

  • The subject of reincarnation usually brings out the skeptics but also the closet believers in the uncanny power of déjà vu. But what separates “Soul Survivor” from other reincarnation tales is 1) the age of the child experiencing the event — barely 2, and 2) the determination of the father to discredit the evidence.

  • This past week found me in a bit of trouble with the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage ... well, more than normal. It has become rather normal for me to be in trouble with her. No matter how hard I try "not to be," it always is "to be."

    This week was a high point for me getting into trouble. I never relish getting into a pickle with her, but sometimes it is unavoidable.

  • Erin Arnold’s creation of The Ultimate Showdown challenge for the summer FLYP program became a roaring success.

    The game started in June with a total of 64 fictional characters arranged on a bracket grid. Each week, to the squeals and shouts of participants, the choices narrowed down.

  • I cannot tell you how many times the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage has explained the difference between things to remember and things to be forgotten. Without boasting, I believe I could give the lecture back to her word for word.

    I know some things are better put into that great black abyss called forgetfulness, to be remembered no more, not even when they would help win an argument. According to my wife, forgetting some things is more important than winning an argument. I would not know. I never win an argument.

  • We’re now in the middle of summer heat. Weather forecasts are always “highs in the 90s” with showers resulting in high humidity. It’s difficult to get any relief. So, travel down Pun Alley to cool off with some tales of winter.

    What’s That?

    A man walked onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a bite.

  • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kangaroo? Why, a nine-month young Jack Russell/Chihuahua mix named Snoopy, of course. If you like your pups energetic, then Snoopy is the boy for you. He runs like a rabbit when he plays and bounces up and down like a kangaroo to plant kisses on your nose. He is a constant companion who will follow you around the house during the day and sleep in bed with you at night. He’s come a long way in foster care in the housetraining department, but still needs some help and guidance in this area since he’s only a pup.

  • It’s hot out there! Yes, we are having a wonderfully typical Florida summer; lots of heat and lots of rain. This time of year finds gardeners working at sunrise and/or after dinner in the evening in order not to be heat stressed. Plants also can become stressed with these conditions. Palms may show their stress with yellowing of their older leaves. An addition of one pound of magnesium sulphate, commonly known as Epsom salts, may be spread under the tree and watered in thoroughly. This will stop the problem from spreading further.