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While you’re waiting for signs of recoveryee

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By Dick Frank

The country abounds with signs that we don’t want to see: closed, for sale, bankrupt, laid off, and others. We are all looking for signs of recovery. Pun Alley doesn’t have that, but does offer some signs to keep you amused.

Beware of the Dog

The little country store had a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” Inside, there was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” one customer asked the owner.

“Yep, that’s him.”

“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Before I posted the sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Obey The Signs

A blonde who was learning to drive was driving to the license bureau to take her driver’s test when she suddenly stopped and wouldn’t move. A policeman having observed this pulled up behind her and went to the driver’s window. The woman seemed very distressed and the officer asked what was wrong. She told him she didn’t know what to do.

She was going to be late but she had studied very hard for her driver’s test and knew she had to obey all road signs, so she couldn’t go. The officer looked around and told her he saw no sign stopping her from continuing. She pointed to the right telling the cop it was right there. He looked again and almost laughed as he finally read, “Do Not Pass.”

Using Your Head

One time John was driving with Ruth through a construction zone and the sign said, Speed Limit 25 Ahead. Ruth said, “Hey, John, there are two of us in the car; you do the math.” They went through there doing almost 50.

Signs and Wonders

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”

At a Tire Shop: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

At a Towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

In a Podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”

Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck: Caution — This Truck is Full of Political Promises.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

On a Church’s Billboard: “7 days without God makes one weak.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door: “Welcome. Can we pick your nose?”

On a Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

The Bare Facts

The village council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign, “Slow Down Senior Citizen’s Home.” It had no effect.

At the next meeting the decided to try another sign, “Danger — Children at Play.” Again, there was no discernable reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a wild idea and suggested a sign, “Nudist Colony.” As a result of the Nudist Colony notice, cars now crawled thought the village.

All Wet

A priest and a pastor from the local churches were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read: “The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It’s Too Late.”

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The priest turned to the pastor and asked, “Do you think the sign should just say ‘Bridge Out’?”

The end is here; time for me to sign off for this week. Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.